Trick-or-Treating Guide

by Dan Gurewitch on October 23, 2007

Where to go, and what to expect when you get there:

A. Shady Ponds Senior Community
- Werther’s
- Raisins
- Pennies
- Grapes that hold the distant promise of one day being raisins
- Obsolete candy from the '50s, i.e. Yessuh™ brand Darkies
- Husband’s ashes

B. Overenthusiastic A-Hole Lane
- Man who hides in bushes, waiting to pounce (rumored Vietnam vet)
- Self-proclaimed defender of the Halloween Spirit who refuses to give candy to kids without costumes, doesn’t count “Pillowcase Face”
- Man who dresses up as something inappropriately horrifying (past costumes include Late Stage Pancreatic Cancer Victim and Neo-Nazi)

C. Desperate To Be A Cool Dad Street
- Unguarded basket filled with King Size Snickers, marked “Take One Only Please”
- Guilt
- Two King Size Snickers bars crudely taped together and marked “Emperor Size” (this is the ultimate house, unless you really like steak)
- Steak. Succulent, freshly-grilled slabs of USDA Grade-A marinated London Broil
- Candy Cigarettes

D. Mom Told Us Not To Go Here Alley
- Real Cigarettes
- Cans of spray paint and keys to his ex-wife’s house
- Just about anything in exchange for a bottle of Jim Beam – living room chairs, light fixtures, credit cards. Note: Make sure you bring a bottle of Jim Beam
- Unguarded basket filled with unsheathed razorblades, marked “Take As Many As You Want”
- An actual axe murderer. Dangerous, but he gives out King Size Zagnuts (your call)

E. The Dentist
- Unprecedented amounts of candy
- His business card

F. The Guy Who Pretends Not To Be Home
- An unspoken agreement that his house will be toilet papered

G. The Inventor of Runts
- Apology

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