Hey Jill,

It’s Andy. Glad we went out last night for dinner. Forgot I even gave you my card at that Halloween party last weekend. So saw you called and texted me a bunch of times this morning about going out again tonight for “the real Halloween LOL” Forgot I even told about my friend’s party at Bar 115 tonight. And although it was fun hanging out last night, out of costume, a little more sober, I don’t think that

It’s Andy. What’s up? So glad we went out last night and that you ended up calling. Forgot I even gave you my card at that Halloween party last weekend. I liked your costume, by the way. I’ve seen the slutty nurse, and the slutty referee, but never a slutty equestrian. And walking around with that horse on a stick between your legs was pure genius. So sorry I said, “fuck off fugly” when you said hi last night at the restaurant. It’s just that you looked so different out of costume, didn’t know it was you. So listen, I don’t think it would be a good idea for you to come out to Bar 115 tonight. It’s not you, it’s me. I’m just not in that 'dating place' right now and

Hey Jill,

It’s Andy. Just wanted to send you an e-mail letting you know I got all your calls. All eleven of them. Been busy at work this morning. So listen, nice meeting the real you last night, and I think it’s awesome you want to do missionary work and stuff but

Hey Jill,

It’s Andy. So I think it’s great that you have such passionate views about abortion and virginity and I hate to do this over e-mail but

Hey Jill,

It’s Andy. So change of plans tonight. Turns out there’s no party at Bar 115. It was canceled. Sucks. Happy Halloween and take care.

Andy

Hey Jill,

It’s Andy. What’s up? So I’m such an asshole, but I’ve just started seeing someone else, and it just got kind of serious, so take care, no need to text or call anymore, I’m in a relationship. And no, I don’t want to go to a Focus on the Family brunch with you next weekend.

Andy

Jill,

Stop! Calling! Me! I thought you were hot when I met you at that Halloween party last weekend, but after seeing you last night for real I realize that you’re not. I mean I’m sure you’re hot in your own conservative, religious, boring, born again virgin, no make-up, no kissing, no fun, kind of way, but please don’t show up at the bar tonight.

Andy

Jill,

Stop! Calling Me! You’re a fraud. I don’t date conservative, religious chicks who pose as easy going whores at pre-Halloween parties.

Andy

Jill,

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but without that blonde wig, and fake lashes, and those plastic leather boot things, and those tights that look like nets, and all that tan looking cream on your face, and the padded bra, and that horse on stick between your legs, you’re quite unattractive. I mean, it’s one thing to dress like a whore on Halloween and then be a good looking girl who doesn’t dress like the whore the rest of the year, but it’s another thing to dress like a whore on Halloween and then be ugly and conservative and judgemental and ANNOYING the rest of the year! It's not cool to use Halloween as an excuse to use partial nudity and props to lure innocent men into thinking they want to fuck you, or even worse, hang out with you! Not cool at all! Oh, and you know what else is bullshit? Dressing like a prostitute/equestrian one night, and then rambling to me at dinner the next (in a turtle neck!) about why you’re pro-life!! Erase my number from your phone!

Andy