Morning After Pushing Daisies: Bitches

What did we learn this episode? Emerson likes gangsta-ass women! Dogs can be cloned! Coffee will kill you! Ned wants two women (but really only one)! The cutthroat world of dog breeding is murderous! Polygamy rules!

The Case: Renowned dog breeder and polygamist Harold Hundin’s coffee is poisoned by one of his four sexy wives. The PieCrew must assemble and investigate the wives to figure out which one killed their husband while not talking about the kiss between Ned and Olive that occurred the previous week. Also, there’s some crap about the perfect dog bred from a lab, collie, penguin, and oyster cracker or something. The dog’s name is Bubblegum. One of the wives is framed, a rival dog breeder gets killed, but justice prevails.

After the obligatory flashback to Young Ned and the sad revelation that he loses his imagination and virginity while at the all-male boarding school (okay, just his imagination), we get the terrifying moment when Chuck stumbles into Ned’s arms. If you’ve been following the show, you know that this means Chuck is dead. Because I’m a sap, I seriously gasped at the audacity of the writers for killing Chuck off so cruelly. Then the scene turns into one of the STRANGEST sex fantasies since I imagined a midget version of Demi Moore spanking me with my own hand—Chuck takes off her skin to reveal Olive underneath. Weird. Strangely hot, but weird nonetheless. Ned wakes up with a raging boner that he has to hide from Chuck, since the bitch can’t do anything for him without up and dying on him.

Ned admits his dream to Emerson, who of course wants to hear nothing of it. All Emerson cares about is money and gangsta-ass bitches (more on this later). Ned claims his feelings for Olive are strictly platonic and involve platonic rubbing, but if he’d done any research on Plato, he would know that any rubbing Plato did usually resulted in some messy tunics. Boy’s tunics. Gross, I know. Reread the Phaedrus. Shit’s whack.

Olive confesses the kiss with Ned to Chuck. Someone Chuck manages to confide that she and Ned don’t touch without looking at Olive’s breasts. Because I had company over while watching it, I managed not to touch myself while looking at Olive’s breasts. Her cleavage was great, as always.

From there we meet the corpse Harold Hundin, who is played by none other than That Guy From Talk Soup. No, not John Henson. Nope, not Hal Sparks, either. Greg Kinnear? He hosted it? No kidding. No. The new guy. Joel something. Oh, it’s just called “The Soup” now? That’s dumb. Anyway, Joel from “The Soup” briefly plays the dead dog breeder guy who somehow manages to marry four pretty hot chicks.

Because Joel, er, Harold likes his buffet to feature a little bit of everything, he marries a (SPOILER ALERT) murderous brunette, an Asian who analyzes dogs, an obedience-freak black British girl, and a cute blonde with cleavage to rival Chuck and Olive’s. The problem is, one of these dames poisons his coffee. He admits to being murdered by his wife to Emerson, Chuck, and Ned while briefly alive. Of course, the PieCrew has no clue to follow up Harold’s confession with a simple, “which one?” because, honestly, what kind of guy has four wives? Oh right, one dripping with AWESOME SAUCE.

So which wife killed Harold? If you said the black one, you’re obviously a racist. Okay, the show leads you to think it’s her. I guess the show is racist. The best part of the dominatrix style wife number three is that Emerson develops a little crush on her. Seems Emerson can love more than money or knitting. Give him a little tail with a dominant side and he goes all weak in the knees. But does he love a murderer? Nope. Although she fakes the death of the prized dog Bubblegum, it wasn’t her.

It also wasn’t the perky blond who trains seeing-eye dogs for the blind because, well, she trains seeing-eye dogs for the blind. Plus, she’s got great breasts. Normally no one with great breasts is a killer. And it wasn’t the little Asian with the radio show although, from my experience, Asian girls are a bit crazy. So who does that leave? The least interesting one—Harold’s first wife, Hillary. She did it because she was jealous and didn’t want to share Harold or Bubblegum (the dog, not the…you get it). She also ends up killing rival dog breeder Ramsfeld Snuppy, who wanted to clone Bubblegum to sell nationwide.

With the help of the reanimated dead, the crew solves the case, brings evil brunette wife to justice, and collects the reward. In the end, however, no one gets any. Olive doesn’t have Ned. Ned and Chuck still can’t touch. And Emerson doesn’t get any. Only Digby is lucky enough to be able to lick himself.

See you next week!

Random Thoughts:

• When Ramsfeld Snuppy talks about cloning dogs, I couldn’t help but think he should call his business Jurassic Bark. Then I wanted to punch myself.
  
  
• The aunts weren’t in this episode, and I sort of missed them.
• It seems like Ned doesn’t have it in him to be a polygamist, which is a shame, because Olive would totally make a man out of him.
• The episode was very Emerson-heavy, and we learned he’s afraid of the dark, though not dark women.