Couples Counseling

(A middle aged couple, TINA and FRANK, address a circle of chairs filled with couples, including CAROL and JIM.)

Tina: Welcome to couples counseling. Now I know some of you might feel a little weird or uncomfortable, but we are here to guide you past the bad, and straight to the good.

Frank: I’m Frank, and this is my gorgeous, wonderful wife of many years, Tina.

Tina: You’re so sweet, Frank.

Frank: Not as sweet as you!

(They Eskimo kiss. Saying things like: Brrr! It’s cold out! Warm me up! and Mush, Honey, Mush!)

Tina: Ooo! Tat was a good’un! What’n’it Fwank? (To the class.) Affection, affection, affection. We can’t stress it enough, couples!

Frank: Uhhhh-huh! You are cowwect!

(They laugh)

Carol: (Aside.) This is great, Jim! Look how comfortable they are with each other. Why can’t we be like that?

Jim: (Aside.) Carol this is ridiculous. I love you, but I don’t want to look like an idiot.

Frank: I love you.

Tina: No, I love you!

Frank: No, I love you.

Tina: I love you more.

Frank: Nope, I love you more. Fact!

Tina: I love you more!

Frank: Can’t we just compromise?

Tina: Okay! Let me just sign the treaty of Versailles-tility.

(Tina and Frank laugh.)

Tina: And that’s two of our tenants of a relationship right there: compromise and versatility.

(Tina and Frank snuggle while standing up and become very involved in each other.)

Carol: (Aside.) Oh! Look at them, showing affection in public without hesitating. Just try this… for me.

Jim: (Aside.) Alright.

Tina: Okay! Now we’re going to start off with a little Problem/Solution role play. Let’s imagine a situation where one of us has an accident. Oh! I know what you’re thinking! I don’t mean a firearm accident! Not that grim!

Frank: (laughing) We don’t mean that! Not that serious, Jack Bauer!

Tina: Nor a car accident.

Frank: Fifteen minutes can save fifteen percent or more! Play it safe!

Tina: No we don’t mean that. We mean an accident in which a clumsy mistake or an oversight ends up hurting your partner. Watch how we alleviate the possible negativity of such a situation with some humor.

(She “accidentally” punches him in the crotch)

Tina: Whoops!

Frank: (furious with pain) Hey! (suddenly playful) That’s my pee-pee!

Tina: No! That’s my pee-pee!

Frank: That’s my pee-pee!

Tina: That’s my pee-pee!

Frank: Uh-uh! My pee-pee! Uh-uh!

Tina: Uh huh! I called dibs! My pee-pee!

Frank: Double-dibsies! No backies!

Tina: Double-dibsies times infinite!

Frank: (Thinking.) Okay! It’s your pee-pee!

Tina: Uhhhhh-huh!

(They laugh with abandon until)

Tina: But of course it is in fact his penis.

Frank: Yours to loan, mine to keep.

Tina: We’re simply showing you some fun little ways to step around the anger monster and keep your relationship smooth. Right Frank?

Frank: (caught of guard) It’s my penis. It is indeed… mine.

(Awkward pause.)

Frank: Oops! I tooted!

Tina: Uh-oh! I thinks that was a runnsy onesy!

(They laugh wildly)

Frank: Oh no! I needa wipey!

Tina: Who brought some Wet-Ones?

Frank: Who has the Wet-Ones?

Tina: Did anyone bring some Wet Ones?

Carol: Um, I have a few-

Tina & Frank: Oh!!!

Tina: Thank you!

Frank: Thank you! Carol had some Wet-Ones!

Tina: Oh yay! Carol is so nice!

Frank: She is a nice one! Can we keep her? Can we keep her?

Tina: I don’t know; you know what happened to the last one…

(They laugh)

Frank: Oh! Oh! Ha! I love too much sometimes. I do guys, it’s true. Judge said so, Judge said so.
(Pause.)

(Carol hands Tina the Wet-Ones.)

Frank: (As if Jesus Christ was curing his blindness.) Thank you, Carol. Thank you.

Tina: You turn around Mister!

Frank: Nuh-uh! I don’ wanna!

Tina: (Suddenly very mature.) Trust me.

Frank: Ok.

(She wipes for him.)

Tina: You see: I’m establishing a bond of trust. And in the process, who says we can’t have a little fun?

Frank: An’ get a cwean bottom? Huh? How bout that for a plus?

Jim: (Aside) Holy shit, they’re nuts! Honey, are you watching this? She just wiped his ass.

Carol: (Aside.) I know this is a bit extreme, but you have to remember that they’ve been together for years. I’m sure this is supposed to be an exaggerated example of the trust a couple can build together.

Jim: (Aside.) Baby, I’m starting to think I don’t ever want that much trust.

Tina: Now along with that trust must come faith.

Frank: Like I have faith that Tina respects who I am.

Tina: And I have faith that he’ll organize the garage someday! (Laughs)

Frank: Just like I have faith that she won’t burn dinner someday! (Laughs, Tina stops laughing.)

Tina: Like I have faith that someday he’ll by me a real wedding ring.

Frank: (Still enjoying the game.) And I have faith that someday she’ll stop having headaches every time I want to have sex.

Tina: And I have faith that those charges on the credit card bill for child pornography are a mistake.

Frank: (Furious.) And I have faith that someday she’ll stop being a frigid cunt!

(Pause.)

Tina: (Shaken) And that’s an example of faith.

Frank: I like this role playing game, this is a good one!

Tina: Frank-

Frank: And I have faith that you really did catch gonorrhea from that toilet seat at Macy’s, and that you aren’t actually seeing other men even though I know you posted an ad in the personal section.

Tina: Frank!

Frank: I have faith-

Tina: Frank!

Frank: I have faith that you’re a bitch…

Jim: We’re leaving.