If this episode revolves around Taylor not doing work again, I’m going to be fucking mad.

After 30 something days in Bonanza, clearly, Sophia has gone insane. To prove some ridiculous point about how she’s better than the rest of the kids, Sophia ropes off a portion in the middle of town as “her land.” To walk across it, the kids had to pay her 5 cents. Just like Connecticut, the kids decide that Sophia’s plot of land doesn’t matter.

Every time Blaine reads the journal it reminds me of the “t-t-today Junior!” scene in Billy Madison.

This week, The Journal encourages the kids to go exploring a find a culture that is not there own. You know, so that they could learn something. Here’s a suggestion: Maybe go to a real city? With running water and super markets? Just an idea.

The Journal even provided a map. By the looks of it, the kids had to go over the frozen people before they could really get to where they needed to be. Where's Greg's Mets hat? (Got it right this time, guys.)

This is just a terrible idea. The Council decides that they should all leave and follow the map, leaving Sheriff Sophia as the only one in charge. Sophia decides how long the kids work, Sophia decides when the arcade opens, and, if The Council isn’t back in time, Sophia decides the reward after the challenge. Needless to say, all the kids find this completely fair. They’re not at all worried that she’ll be a dictator.

So while Sophia rounds up all the non believers in Bonanza, The Council ventures across treacherous terrain to find whoever they’re supposed to meet. Turns out, it’s a tribe of Native Americans! I have beef with this already…

1. Am I really supposed to believe that there’s a tribe of only like 10 people living alone in the wilderness? There are no tribes that have that many people in them. It looks like CBS rented the set from The Indian In The Cupboard and set it up in New Mexico for the day.

2. Also, why didn’t CBS air this episode last week? The kids could have met up with The Native Americans…Greg could have pillaged their town and had sex with their women, and it could have been the Thanksgiving Special! All that would have been missing is Scarlet Fever!

Back in town, Sophia makes her rounds and sees that everything is good in terms of job performance. So that means the arcade is open! Yayyyyyyyyy!

Whoa, whoa, whoa…Taylor is talking to Sophia and comments about how she hopes Greg gets lost on top of a mountain and eaten by a pack of coyotes because she believes Sophia is a better leader than Greg. Hey! Greg carried you into the arcade last week! It was like Kerri Strug at the '96 Olympics!

Oh, sweet. Jared and Alex strike out on their own to go for a walk. They come upon an old skeleton of some animal. Personally, I think it’s an animal Jared sucked the blood out of during Day 4 to maintain his powers of awesomeness.

Jared comments that he doesn’t really know a lot about cow anatomy. Alex says that you just need to compare it to our anatomy because it’s so similar. I guess that makes sense. You know, Emilie is kind of a heffer. And we’re at one!

Favorite exchange:

Jared: If we had some carbon dating processes we could see how old the cow was.

Alex: Yeah, but we don’t have any carbon dating processes out here in the wilderness.

New favorite quote:

After stealing the head and the pelvis from the site, Jared exclaims “Pelvis has left the building!” Awesome!

DK: “We have some very smart kids, and they could become the next greatest thinker of the world.” Or, they could be Blaine.

And it’s time for the challenge! I’d like to note that Host Guy is wearing some ridiculous ass cowboy for some reason. Look people, if you’re above the age of 11 and you wear a cowboy hat you’re either an idiot or Don Imus.

This week’s challenge is as follows: The kids need to carry the four walls and the roof of a small house across like a football field and reassemble it. They then need to put some animals inside it and hoist a flag outside.

Alex comments that using “kid power” you can haul a lot of things. After my own research, I’ve learned that kid power can make a lot of things too. You know, like boxes and boxes Nike shoes.

Anyway, this challenge is completely unfair to the little kids. Without The Council around it takes them forever to move their house and they just barely get it done in time. It was a perfect example of why people always used to die during my Oregon Trail games. The little ones just aren’t good for anything.

Morning After Kid Nation Game! Who said this quote: “These walls are way bigger than I was, in height and in width.” Hint: It was definitely NOT Emilie. Two! (It was Mallory.)

We just learned that Guylan’s parents elephant trainers. Judging by what I’ve seen with Guylan, they're also little bitch trainers.

Challenge Results: Upper Class - Green, Merchants - Red, Cooks - Blue, Laborers -Yellow

The choices of rewards this week are either A. A monument dedicated to the kids’ time in Bonanza or B. hot air balloon rides over the town.

Host Guy, clearly catering his actions to me, invites Laurel up to read the monument. 20 hilarious seconds of Boston accent follow.

Laurel also notes that “The last day (in Bonanza) will be the saddest and happiest moment of my entire life.” I wonder what I considered the happiest day of my life at age 12. Finding blurry Spice Channel? Pizza Fridays in elementary school? I have to think about this.

I don’t remember exactly what the monument said, but I’m assuming it was something like this: “Let it be known that one time a bunch of parents exploited their kids and we filmed a TV show here. Jared is fucking awesome. Two and a Half Men, Mondays on CBS!"

Since The Council isn’t around, Sophia has to choose the reward. She talks about how the balloon rides will be over quick, but the monument will last forever. She then immediately gives in to pressure and chooses the balloon rides. Looks like the balloons aren’t the only things full of hot air.

Once up in the balloon, Sophia says that she will remember this for the rest of her life. Once again, I’m trying to remember what I loved in my childhood. All I really remember from age 14 is fighting via away message. Guys, Wonderwall lyrics will NEVER go out of style.

It looks like the gold star battle is coming down to Alex…AND JARED. Jared is also turning into some type of Doc Brown reincarnate. He’s seriously talking about a flux capacitor he’s going to make or something. I am confused. He is awesome.

The Council meets to have people suggest gold star winners. Jared nominates himself. A self promoter! A boy after my own heart.

Zach nominates himself and cries like a little bitch. I didn’t know he took Taylor’s old role in the yellow team. And, oh yeah, hasn’t he already won one?!? Note: He hasn't. I'm an idiot.

Let’s go to the meeting…

People, this is it. This could be our man’s best chance at a gold star. For the love of God, please let him win. I want to see Jared’s parents, I want to see him hold it up proud. Please, please, please.

It’s gonna be Alex. Shit. I can tell.

Awwwww fuck, it is. Don’t get me wrong, I like Alex but Jared was so close! Jared says that hopefully one day he’ll win the Noble Prize, and that will be worth a lot of gold stars. At least 5, he assumes.

Alex’s Mom comments that “Our baby’s grown up.” No he hasn’t, only his one tooth has!

And on that note, we’re done for the week. Next week is the season finally. Question: Should I do a live blog for the finale? Leave it in the comments.

JOIN THE JARED FACEBOOK GROUP! LET's GET TO 2,000 MEMBERS!