“I’m here today to announce that I will be stepping down as Thomas’ penis. As you know I have been with Thomas over twenty years but I believe that it‘s best if we go our separate ways.

Things began to deteriorate around the time that Thomas met his future wife. The restrictions that she has put on me have caused irreparable damage of my goals, as a penis, along with my self esteem. When I started here I had a set of goals and unfortunately we did not reach those goals. Among these goals, I wished to have had sex with at least six women by Thomas’ twenty-first birthday, but with the deadline nearing I do not believe this to be feasible anymore. Having won only once in the last seven years it seems impossible for me to make up the ground that I have lost.

Unfortunately for Thomas, the program is not in solid shape. After my offensive coordinator, Tom’s brain, left many years ago we have not been able to effectively hit on any new women. Thomas’ ‘fianc?squo; doesn’t help things much either. She has constantly been around trying to run my program as if she has my job. It was this mentality that forced Tom’s balls to resign once Thomas and her began dating.

In closing, it has been a wild ride. Actually, its been a lack of a wild ride. And for that reason I must part ways with a program that once showed so much promise. In middle school we were the shit Tom, don’t you ever forget that! Granted back then that the girls didn’t go all the way but if we had stayed on track we would’ve been bathing in ’tang once we got to high school. It’s all that bitches fault, man! I hate her! I fuckin hate her, man!

Thank you.”

Thomas’ Penis (1987-2007)