1. Insist on the right mood lighting and music

Make sure that there are at least 14 candles burning. The bedroom should be better lit with the lights off, and what better way to heat up your sex life than by creating an actual fire hazard? Ask her to put on some music, something you can get your groove to. Specifically ask for Eiffel 65 or some other band from the nineties. Make a point to sing I'm Blue into her ear during penetration.

2. Invent positions, make it personal

If she isn't bent over backwards, hanging from the ceiling, or dislocating joints, then you are doing it wrong. Personalize your sex, name your positions after yourself. Then you can smile when the next girl asks for a Mike Mudslide. Tag your girl like you would an old building. Use hickies to write your name across her chest. Remember, if you can dream it, you can make it a reality.

3. Keep it fun

Girls love guys with a sense of humor. So keep the sex fun by giving her noogies and purple nurples. Spice it up a little bit by giving her a wet willy in the middle of her orgasm. Use a marker and shame her back while doing it doggy-style. Make her laugh by slapping her with the used condom afterwards.

4. Finish strong

Make the night memorable by doing something special as you finish. If this is a drunken one-nighter, scream, "SAY MY NAME! SAY IT!" over and over again until you are sure she has it memorized. This will set you up for future hookups. Or become a celebratory ejaculator. Yell and cheer as you finish, proclaiming yourself god-emperor ofvaginaland. Let everyone one in the vicinity know that you just busted a nut and you're damn proud.

If these tips don't work for you, try them again.