There are a lot of trends I do notunderstand or appreciate. I never understood the renewed obsession with the 80s. I never liked the pink shirt fad. And when I was in grade school, I fought hard against L.A. Lights. But most of all I never really got into the whole UGG boot thing. I have come to terms with solid UGG boots. In fact, I have slowly become brainwashed to find certain outfits that go with the boots attractive. But there arebootwear out there I just will never understand and never find attractive. Here are the big three:

The Frontier Boot

You know which one I am talking about. Usually dark brown, sometimes with extra fuzz on the top, these boots are laced in X's across the front, with fur popping out around the edges. They are usually the longer of the big 3 and remind me of pictures I saw in grade school of the mountaineers and western explorers. When ever I see a girl walking around in the boots I think gold-digger and not just in the Kanye West way. So let me give you my opinion on who should wear these boots.

1. People named Daniel Boone or Davey Crockett.
2. People who have killed AND skinned a bear.
3. Someone who has traveled over 1000 miles in a covered wagon (not because of the game Oregon Trail).
4. Anyone who has eaten a squirrel/rat/animal testiclesor a fellow human being in times of dire hunger.

These are my thoughts on when the Frontier Boot is acceptable. I just find it hard to believe the boots can go well with 200 dollar jeans and a Northface jacket when they have the appearances of coming from 18 century woodland America.

The Fuzzy Testicles Boot

This is the most outrageous of the boots. Not only is there excessive fuzz, but there are balls on strings attached to the boots. The appearance of these balls bare a strong resemblance to male genitalia. Because of this I have nicknamed the bootsThe Fuzzy Testiclesor for you Spanish speakers Uggs con cajones deHombres.

The concept is like the Indians who wore the scalps of their victims in their belt. However, girls have taken the concept further and appear to have hung the baby-juice breweries of the latest Saturday night hook-up on their boots. Okay, maybe you did notcastrate the guy you hooked up with, but that is what your boots look like to me. This is the only boot that I am begging to be removed from the fashion scene.

The Conan the Barbarian Boot

Arguably this boot contains the most fur though I have never actually asked a girl to measure it out. This boot reminds me of Arnold Schwarzenegger in the Conan movies. If a girl reminds me of muscled-out, gap toothed Arnold, I don't consider it a good thing. However, the Conan Boot would be super cute with a Long Sword or maybe the chic Conan Helmet.

This boot also reminds me of the stripper in VanWilder who rips a fat one in Taj's face. Both perceptions are not too flattering regardless of how hot the stripper was in the movie.

I will admit I am not the most fashionable person on campus. So, I just thought I wouldshare with all of you fashion-fad followers the various thoughts that enter my head when I see you strutting your stuff in those boots.