Ninety-One Upper

by Jeff Rosenberg on January 17, 2008

Imagine a world where the elderly one-upped each other.

Normal: I walked around the block for my morning cardio exercise.
One-upper: You think that's cool, I just joined a gym that I go to every Wednesday to walk on the treadmill for 15 minutes. Sometimes if I'm feeling extra limber I'll break out the 2.5 pound dumbbells.

Normal: I took a very relaxing bath last night.
One-Upper: Big Deal! I took a shower. Standing up! That means without sitting on my stool or holding the safety bar.

Normal: I went to bed at 6:30 on Tuesday.
One-Upper: That's nothing, I caught the 7:00 Matlock, it was the series finale too. Then went to bed at around 8. My room is on the second floor of my house by the way.

Normal: I leave a dish of peppermint candy and miniature tootsie rolls on my coffee table for guests.
One-Upper: Oh yeah, I have assorted sweets and toffees that you can only purchase if you've sailed thee Ol' Queen Elizabeth II across the Atlantic Deep.

Normal: I just saw a matinee showing of that new film "No Country For Old Men."
One-upper: Pssh, my son just bought me a DVD player. I can watch anything, anytime no matter what and it's all inside the mysterious black magical box.

Normal: I may or may not have fecal matter in my pants.
One-Upper: I'm shitting myself as we speak. No joke. I shat myself twice yesterday.