Dear Will Ferrell,

I was watching some SNL reruns the other night and, although many of your impersonations and personalities were sub-par (Harry Carey, WTF?!?!), I noticed you have an uncanny talent for playing pompous idiots. I'm sure you're out searching for meaningful roles now that you're out of sketch comedy, but I wouldn't discount trying out for a pompous idiot part. If you're able to get the lead, I'd suggest surrounding yourself with lots of less talented actors playing pompous idiots. If one's funny then more is funnier right!? Hell, maybe even throw in an actual retard! I think it would be best if your foil in the movie is played by a slightly less masculine, in appearance or speech (both would be ideal), pompous idiot. Who knows if you even read fan mail but this is just something I had to put down on paper.

Best of luck,

Matthew Gallagher

Dear Steve Carrell,

I know you're probably busy with the new season of The Office but I noticed a subtlety in your acting style that I thought you might be interested in. This is free advice, so totally take it with a grain of salt, but if this TV thing blows up start acting like a socially inept nice guy in ANY movie you get a role in. This might be a stretch, but if you can bring that combo to the forefront of your performances I know millions of people will pay to see it over, and over, and over again. Type cast schmype cast, I say do what you're good at and if you aren't good just force it down their throat. They typically don't notice.
Keep it real,

Matthew Gallagher

Dear Tim Allen,

Three words, Santa-Fucking-Claus. Or some Christmas shit, I don't know whatever. Since Home Improvement went off the air, and forgive me for being blunt here, you've sort of become washed up. Christmas is a huge time for movies and who wouldn't want to see a Christmas movie AT CHRISTMAS. Trust me on this; this could be your bread and butter for the next 8 to 10 years. Christmas isn't going anywhere, Santa Claus isn't going anywhere.... why shouldn't you be the first genius to capitalize on this infinite well of humor and box office dollars? Sure you may have to wear a fat suit, and the jokes may be low brow (even compared to Tool Time standards) but know that you'll always be able to drown that shame in money, year after year, right around the holidays.

Dear Ben Stiller,

Dude, you are soooo awkward!!! I loved Zoolander but I think the comedy genre is starting to move away from the cliché "idiot character" and shift more towards the awkward slapstick formula. You should have your agent scouting for scripts that involve you being awkward. You should definitely be in awkward situations as well. This type of a role is great because it gives you so many opportunities. You can be awkward with parents, awkward with girlfriends, awkward with ex-girlfriends, awkward with kids, and even awkward with inanimate objects (This is a shot in the dark but what about a movie where you're awkward in a museum?!? Brilliant right?). Anyways I love all your stuff and hope you can appreciate a fan who's looking out for you.

Slapstick, dude, I promise,

Matthew Gallagher

Dear Jimmy Fallon,

Thank you for stopping. I'm glad that you aren't even in supporting roles anymore.

Looking forward to your next cameo on SNL,

Matthew Gallagher