CollegeHumor

105%

Issue #44

by 105%-o-matic February 13, 2008

We're bigger than Jesus' online column.

Guy: Sorry babe, Valentine's Day is a Hallmark Holiday. I don't need a corporation to tell me when to say "I love you."
Girl: It's also my Birthday.
Guy: Hallmark Birthday.
Girl: You're stepping on my dog.
Guy: Is his name Hallmark?
Girl: Yes. Leave.

-Amir Blumenfeld

World's Worst Soon-To-Be Dad

"Missed a period? Jeez, didn't you learn anything in English class?"
"Don't be stupid, you can't break water."
"Sids? I dunno, doc, there's only one of them and I was gonna call him Mark."

-Brian Paulsen

Really Cheap Guy Begins to Divvy Up Check

"Oh great, let me guess. Nobody has anything smaller than a quarter."

-Jeff Rubin

Adventures of the Dad Who Got Away With Murder

Son: I wish Mom was still alive.
Dad: Don't you EVER talk about your mother that way!

-Dan Gurewitch

When IMDB Meets Stupidity

-"I just finished Dante's Inferno, it was so good."
-"I liked it better the first time, when it was called Volcano".

-Conor McKeon

They say knowledge is power. But what if you know you're a pussy?

-Rene Benavidez

Franklin Roosevelt, Sub-Standard Orator

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself... a dark, all-encompassing fear from which there is no escape, and which will drive to the brink of terrified insanity every last American man, woman and child."

-Patrick Cassels