As I wondered the local Wal Mart looking for things to by my girlfriend for this Hallmark Holiday we call Valentine's Day, I finally had an epiphany to end all epiphanies.  It has come to my attention that there needs to be a list created that of the best of the very best (cheap) gifts out there for that special woman in your life.  No, I'm not talking about your mom, I already bought her a gift this year.  I  speak of your main squeeze, your hot mama, the dipsy to your do, and all the other vernacular that I may have left out.  So here, in all of it's glory are all of the best gifts you can buy your significant other for V-Day:

1.  Windshield Washer Fluid with Deicing Agent Added

Obviously this is a very important and useful present as you wouldn't want her to run into any obstacles on the drive to your favorite restaurant (i.e. Pizza Hut, McDonald's), since... you know... this is a holiday meant for you, the man.

2.  Megadeth's Greatest Hits

What woman in her right mind doesn't love to thrash their long hair around and jump into a mosh pit every once in a while?  This gift is especially useful if she used to/ still does live in a trailor or a van down by the river.  It is also a great gift for you since it can't cost more than $5.00 in the bargain bin and can get you in shape for the Guitar Hero World Tour you so desperately want to be a part of.

3.  Chocolate, lots and lots of chocolate


Face it, chicks love this sh*t.  I don't know why, there mut be some sort of chemical (like bull semen) dumped into Valentine's Day chocolate batches to enslave the female populous around this time of year.  Do yourself and your woman a favor though, by the cheapest chocolate you can.  Not only can you save yourself money, but chances are it's not all real chocolate.  You know what that means?  That's right, it's practically 'diet chocolate'!  I mean, a little plastic complex mixed in with some milky choco goodness never hurt anyone... look at Angelina Joile, her lips are plastic, and she still looks good to eat. 

4.  Playstation 3 /  Xbox 360 / Nintendo Wii

I know what your thinking "But this isn't cheap you bastard!"  Just listen for a minute.  Chicks dig guys who play sports.  So buy one of these systems and buy the latest edition of Madden, College Hoops, or one of the other sh*tty baseball games, you're a shoe-in to get laid by showing her your mad skills on All-Pro gamer level.

5.  Ball of Yarn / Knitting Needles

This is a great 1-2 combo move on your part.  She'll love you forever, because it tells her "He thinks I can be creative" and then she czn gladly knit you some socks or some other bullsh*t.  Score another one for you...


6.  A Plant... or Dishware

I think it was my mother who told me "A.J. don't you ever f*cking buy your girlfriend some sh*tty gift like a plant or dishware for Valentine's Day,"  but what did she know, she was a girl.

Just note that these are some ideas
 that will totally get you into bed with your hunny-bunny in the fastest way possible!  Take my advice, it works everytime.  You follow this list and you are a shoe-in to have her fall in love with you all over again like it was your first time at that Delta Chi party that you totally crashed.