Dear Beechwood State - RE: Brian Ackerson's Acceptance

by Neil Padover on February 19, 2008

To Whom It May Concern in the Admissions Office of Beechwood State University:

I am writing to provide supplementary information for one of your recently accepted students, Brian Ackerson. I am sure that your staff in the admissions office is nothing but skilled at determining which potential applicants would make great contributions to your University, however, I have to say that in this case you were gravely wrong. Having known Brian for the past sixteen years, and serving as his resident best friend up until just last week I feel extremely qualified to be testifying to his character.

Firstly, Brian is a notorious bed wetter. He has been able to keep it under wraps for quite some time as the problem only afflicts him at night while asleep. I fear, however, that should Brian share a dorm with another student, and for instance share a bunk bed with said student at Beechwood, this would surely create urine stained havoc for all parties involved.

When Brian and I were in the third grade he forgot to study for an important math test featuring all of the multiplication tables. So he cheated. He pulled out his flash cards from his backpack, placed them inside his desk, and cheated. Like an animal.

Also, when Brian and I were five years old he pushed me off the monkey bars causing me to withstand a very badly scraped knee which required two bandaids. Not only did Brian fail to apologize but after he pushed me he whispered in my ear that he was a communist. And that he was involved in JFK's assassination. And I think Abraham Lincoln's.

I am aware how all of this sounds. With a little research you may even hear other parties telling you that I have some sort of axe to grind, and that this is the reason for my letter. Nothing could be further from the truth. I assure you with the utmost confidence that Brian's recent make-out session with my ex-girlfriend Suzie Porchnik, a girl who I dated for three and a half years, and whom I was madly in love with, and who, realistically speaking Brian should have known to stay away from, even if we had decided to break up after the summer - I assure you this has nothing to do with my letter.

I trust you will make the right decision in withdrawing Brian Ackerson's acceptance to your University and in never making him your best friend since, clearly, he has zero track record when it comes to trust.

Thank you for your time,

Alan Smilovitz

P.S. Could you send me a Beechwood sweatshirt? Go Cougars!