Dear Journal,

I just got back from performing at Penn State University, home to a made-up holiday called "State Patty's Day." Apparently, because St. Patrick's's day usually falls on spring break, and the students at Penn State didn't want to miss out on a holiday dedicated to binge drinking, they invented another one. However, this year St. Patrick's Day didn't fall on a their spring break, so they're celebrating both State Patty's Day (which does not exist) and St. Patty's Day (which exists). Penn State students are nothing if not inventive, and great at peeing their names in the snow.

As soon as I arrived on campus I knew this fake holiday was a red flag and so I picked up their newspaper The Daily Collegian and the headline read "Victim Takes Partial Blame." I thought that was a little vague, so I read on and discovered that there has been a widely discussed event on campus where a drunk driver hit a drunk walker. And I thought, "Maybe these people shouldn't be making up holidays to drink more." Maybe if they drank less they might be able to name their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would name this last article, "Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety Drunk I'm So Drunk."

Well, I'm heading to my hometown of Boston in a few weeks and I've been getting a lot of emails since my special aired from my hometown of Shrewsbury. You see, journal, on the commercial for the special they air a joke where I'm describing how I performed for the U.S. troops and signed autographs for people who had been gone from America so long they didn't realize I'm not famous. They'd be like, "Where do I know you from? And I'd be like, "Are you from Shrewsbury? Because I played backup right field for Economy Paint Supply, I don't know if that rings a bell."Well, it turns out that a guy who works at Economy Paint Supply has a television, and he sent me a MySpace message. And that struck me as odd. I didn't realize the paint supply culture was so into social networking. So this guy Rich writes to me: "Hey Mike - I had to ask one of the owner's if we ever had a baseball team and he said they used to sponsor little league. So you must be telling the truth. ...It is cool when someone mentions something on national television (my wife says cable's not national; yeah she sometimes hurts)"First of all, "she sometimes hurts"? Sounds like someone needs some Economy Therapy Supply, Rich.Second of all, the travesty of this situation is that my beloved Economy Paint Supply is no longer even a little league team. How did they back out of that?

Did they think that their team's record reflected badly on their image as a paint supply store? Are people thinking, "There's no way I'm trusting those guys with my low budget paint supply needs, they lost 42 to nothing to the Lithuanian War Vets!"

So this week I decided to sponsor my own little league team in Shrewsbury. It'll be called, "Mike Birbiglia's First Place Little League Team." That way, no matter what place they're in, they'll always be first place.

This morning I got a "Google alert" that I had been mentioned in Penn State's Daily Collegian. The headline read, "Comedian has crowd in stitches." Which comedian? It's not important. Because those readers are so drunk.