"Great Personality College Girl of the Day"

by Mike Drucker on March 24, 2008

Regina Cohen
(Best Available Photo)

Year: Sophomore:
School: University of Miami
Hometown: Tamarac, FL
Major: Journalism / Public Relations

You're double majoring in two fields that require a lot of social interaction. Which, gosh, how's that working out for you?

Wonderful! Ever since I was a kid, I've loved working and talking with others. I guess you could say I'm a PPP: professional people person.

Really? That wasn't what I'd, you know, expect.

Hah! Well, don't let this smile fool you; I can get serious as the next girl!

What are you serious about?

Too much to name! During summers, I travel to Mozambique to help with some home building efforts through... hello?

What?

You seemed distracted by something. Is everything okay?

Uh, sure, yeah. You built Mozambique.

Hah. You're funny.

Thanks?

A lot of people say that God's greatest gift to mankind was speech, but I think listening is even more valuable. That's why I like talking to you. It's hard to find a nice guy who listens...

Oh, wow... okay... well...

(Sighs) You're flattered but you only date girls in the 10 sizes or less aisle.

I wasn't going to say that.

No, I know. I'm... I'm not mad. I just thought when you called me for an interview, it'd be deeper than this. I guess I just thought more with my heart than with my brain.

Well maybe if you didn't cling like a sock to a dryer, it'd be less terrifying getting to know you.

My clinginess would be immaterial if I were thin! You would like my clinginess if I were thin!

And had two eyebrows.

Now that's just uncalled for! You think because you wear an ironic t-shirt that says "Kansas Kan-Sass" you're some hip guy? How many girls have you laid this semester?

Seven.

Well, okay... I stand corrected. But that doesn't forgive your valuing a woman in a place of learning for the size of her ass and chest.

What's the matter, Regina? Jealous?

Of course I'm jealous! But at least I can see my selfishness for what it is rather than bury my lack of insight with a thick layer of irony and Saturday morning cartoon references.

Well, now this is awkward...

Look, I'm sorry... I'm sure you're a great guy. You obviously worked hard to get a good gig writing for a website like this. I shouldn't have judged you so fast because of my insecurities.

That's alright. I'm sorry all the charity work in the world you do doesn't give me a boner. Can I maybe buy you a drink?

That would be nice.

Any last thoughts?

I wish we were real people instead of poorly written facsimiles of reality.

Me too, sister.

Let's fly to Alpha Centaur!

The imagination has no limit!

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Recording...