The Long Lost Diary of Chewbacca: What He Really Thought

by Mike on April 29, 2008

April 21, A Long Time Ago
Dear Diary,
Does anyone ever think about how hot it is on Tatooine for a wookie? I mean, its 2891, you think they'd have some kind of air conditioning here by now. This shit is getting out of hand with Han. All we do is smuggle foreign alien crack from one planet to another. We've got a fat slug sending his bounty hunters after us, and now we've got some crazy old guy telling us something about some force bullshit, and that he'll pay us a bunch of cash to take him, another loony kid and 2 droids to some craphole Alderaan. I guess we could use the money to get Jabber or Jabba or Jibby the slug off our ass. I'll write again once we leave Alderaan.

Aggrivated and Hot,
Chewie

April 22, Way in the Past
Dear Diary,
The Empire has apparently destroyed Aldreraan and has now sucked us up using a tractor beam. Isn't that fucked up? First we were supposed to just drop off these douche bags and now we're on some giant moon... wait, it's not a moon... it's a space station. The kid and Han are off playing dress up, and I'm stuck here with these moron droids. This British one is really starting to piss me off, and the trash can just keeps beeping and blooping. I'm ready to get out of this goddamn space station but now Han's calling me. I g2g diary, I'll write later.

Getting ready to strangle some droids,
Chewie

April 23, Like Way Back in the Day
Dear Diary,
This shit is completely getting out of hand. We got locked in a trash compactor after rescuing some bimbo princess with cinnabons stuck to the side of her head. Now I'm soaked and smell like trash. We finally got out of that stupid space station, but the old guy got killed by an asthmatic guy in a black suit. He didn't even get dismembered by the light sword, he just disappeared. That's a pretty epic death to me. Maybe that force crap is real... anyway, we just went back to the "rebel" base. (Couldn't they think of a better name...? I mean, ?the rebels'... c'mon.) Now me and Han are getting out of here because this shit is just too heavy for us. I could use a drink, and Han could probably use a good lay. Actually, scratch that. After he spent all of our last bounty on 3 boobed hookers and Kashakyyian booze, I don't think we can let that happen again.

Tired and Drunk,
Chewie

April 24, 1834
Dear Diary,
Of course, Han couldn't let that piece of ass go quietly. We got halfway back to Tatooine and he decides that he has to prove that bitch wrong, so we turn around and go back to that friggin space station again to save that dumbass kid from the asthma man. It worked and that sucker blew up, somehow. From what I heard the "rebels" fired two missiles into a small thermal exhaust port to destroy the space station... why would the Empire build a giant space station with any weakness? Couldn't they have just covered the exhaust port with a grill or some plywood? I could be the architect for the Empire and do a better job than that. Oh and get this. Han and the Kid get medals from the rebels, and I don't even get squat. All I get is to howl really loud. What kind of shit is that?

Pissed off,
Chewie