I'm amazed to see such a vibrant graduating class.
I'm amazed to see such a hung-over graduating class.
Months ago, I began thinking about what to say to you all this morning.
On the plane, I began thinking about what to say to you all this morning.
I'm glad to accept this honorary degree.
I'm glad to accept this fake degree.
I was thrilled when your school first contacted me.
I wasn't booked when your school first contacted me.
I understand many of you may not recognize me.
I understand many of you were hoping for Bill Cosby.
30 years ago I was wearing a mortarboard just like you.
30 years ago I was chugging vodka from a water bottle just like you.
You will all go on to do great things.
Approximately 1/3 of you will go on to do great things.
Now surely, some of you made mistakes over the last four years.
Now surely, some of you majored in communications.
Weeks, months and years from today, your alma mater will not forget you.
Weeks, months and years from today your alma mater will solicit you for money.
You now begin the most exciting and wonderful part of your life.
You just finished the most exciting and wonderful part of your life.
Recording...
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