On the heels of everyone getting an intimate glimpse into the personal life of on-again off-again MLB pitcher Roger Clemens, it is time to take a closer look into the events that have led the Rocket to this disaster...
March 1983: Clemens chooses the #21 as a reminder to himself of the maximum age limit for girls he will sleep with.
May 1984: Celebrates MLB debut alone at a Boston-area Chuck-E-Cheese.
Fall 1986: Publicly declares his switch from "thrower" to "pitcher" and admits that the change has nothing at all to do with baseball.
August 1991: Clemens spends the entirety of his salary for that year on gifts for various "nephews" scattered across North America and parts of Cancun, Mexico.
1993-1996: Pitching production dips coinciding with an infidelity production surge.
July 1997: Teammate and fellow cheater Ed Sprague walks in on the Rocket doing steriods off the small of Brian Mcnamee's back.
Winter 1998: Defeats pro golfer John Daly in an arm wrestling match earning himself the right to sleep with Daly's then-wife as set out in the provisions of Redneck law.
June 2000: Becomes the first MLB player to ever be part of 3 grand slams in a single day after giving one up to Mike Piazza, having sweaty sex with a fat girl, and then capping off the night at a Denny's restaurant.
Spring 2003: Although never aired, Clemens submits his own cut of the Armour Hot Dog commercials consisting only of him, a 12-pack of frozen Armours, and the whole Dallas Cowboys Cheerleading team.
September 2003: Retires from cheating on his wife and walks away from an impressive 20 year career of being unfaithful.
January 2004: Makes the decision to return to cheating on his wife as long as it allows him to be closer to his family.
by Sully Sullivan
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by Nat Tingley
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