If 21st Century Girls Had 17th Century Standards

by David Siegel on May 13, 2008

Tricia and Kara, two extremely hot girls, are laying out in the quad.

Tricia: Oh my god, Kara, take a look at Henry Popper over there laying on the bench.

Kara: Wow. Look at that healthy, full gut. He must be like, totally well fed and wealthy.

Tricia: Seriously. He must get to eat rich, dairy-based foods and meats, like, all the time.

Kara: Compared to Biff Ryland over there playing Frisbee, all sinewy and shirtless.

Tricia: Effing gross. Look at those abs and well-defined delts. Uhh, can you spell "field laborer?"

Kara: Haha, you're such a bitch, Tricia.

Tricia: It's true! Ew, and that bronze tan? Girl I want a man that owns the land, NOT works on it.

Kara: Ew, Biff even has that "cut V" thing going on near his crotch.

Tricia: Sheesh, why doesn't he just wear a sign that says, "I don't get to eat figgy pudding with gravy very often."

Kara: You have such high standards. But then again I look at Henry's milky, translucent skin and just thinking about the life of leisure it took to get that is making me hot.

Tricia: Look at that huge bulge in Biff's pants.

Kara: Oh c'mon, that thing will be gout central in a few years.

Tricia: You're probably right.

Kara: And the rumor is Henry is hung like Michelangelo's "David" downstairs.

Tricia: Ooh, sexy.

Kara: Yeah. Like classically sexy. But don't you think he smells?

Tricia: I can tell he has horrible B.O. but I can also tell he's done a great job covering it up with the finest spices, oiles and salves. Clearly he's a guy who is secure enough to go into an apothecary.

Kara: Totally. And did you see that glint in the sun? Henry has sterling...silver...dental braces. Top AND bottom.

Tricia: Do you know how rich his family must be to have afforded that, let alone the coach fare to the city and back to get it done? I'm seriously turned on.

Kara: Honestly, just having teeth is enough for me to give a HJ.

Tricia: Oh me too. And someone told me those are prescription shoes, which means they're CUSTOM MADE. So not only does he have a sexy belly, pale skin and is hung like a 12-year-old but he's ALSO tight with the local bootblack!?! I want to f*ck him right here.

Kara: Did you hear him just burp?!? That's the sign of some well-balanced humours. And look at those big red splotches on his neck. Looks like SOMEBODY got a leeching!

Tricia: Swaaanky. I want him so bad.

Kara. Me too. What are we going to do?

Tricia: How about we weigh ourselves down with stones and throw ourselves into the lake, and whichever one sinks can Facebook him. If you don't sink that means he's OFF limits. Also you're a witch.

Kara: Deal. Ew. I totally like just got a straight on view of Biff's peasant six-pack.

Tricia: Barf.