A Boyfriend's Guide to Sex and the City

The time all men feared would come has arrived. The Sex and the City movie is mere days away. You may have suffered through only a few episodes or the entire series, depending on how long you've been with your girlfriend (or depending on how much you identify with overprivileged, bitchy Manhattan women). And now you WILL be getting dragged to this movie on the weekend of May 30th. So if you're going to have to sit through this one, you might as well know what's going on and who everyone is, right? Here's a quick guide that will get you through the 2 and a half hours (yes, you read that right, this will be like Lord of the Rings for people with vaginas) of cosmopolitan-sipping, men-bashing, fashion-talking horror.

Carrie: This is the main character, the narrator, and the person who will be wearing increasingly ridiculous outfits as though it's perfectly normal to have a dress with a flower on it that's roughly the size of a basketball. Looks kind of like Elaine from that episode of Seinfeld where she got steamed at the bagel shop Kramer was picketing mixed with some horse DNA. She is in love with Mr. Big, who saved her from an abusive Russian artist in Paris at the end of the series. She writes a column called "Sex and the City," which always has some parallels to whatever is going on in everyone's life and has deep insights like how men are like shoes. If you had to compare her to a real-life person, she would be Renee Zellweger.

Miranda: The red-head and "cynical" one (aka the "lesbo"). She's also the only one who has a career that could reasonably support her lifestyle - a lawyer. She's married to Steve - a nice guy who sounds sort of like a timid cartoon dog from New York - and they have some kids, despite the fact that Steve has one ball and Miranda is a lesbian. Once had sex with GOB. If you had to compare her to a real-life person, she would be Hillary Clinton.

Samantha: The "promiscuous" one (aka the "slutty, old, vulgar" one). Is blonde, has slept with more men than you have atoms in your body, and has had a quick, virtually consequence-free bout with cancer (she did have to shave her head, but that was it). Is currently a one-man woman with some model that she named Smith Jerrod. Yes, that name is retarded. Her vagina probably looks something like the Sarlacc Pit from Return of the Jedi, except with more STDs. Likes to say witty things like "Cock balls tits pussy f*ck." Is older than Barbie dolls, communist Cuba, and NASA. If you had to compare her to a real-life person, she would be Dr. Ruth.

Charlotte: The "prudish" one (aka "the one who always says the others are so slutty but has screwed plenty of dudes herself"). Believes in fairy-tale romances, has black hair, and is probably the hottest one. Also is the most shrill and irritating. Was married to a rich dude named Trey, but he had erectile dysfunction, then she married a rich dude named Harry, who was Dave from Lost. Ya know, the bald dude Hurley hallucinated? Yeah, that guy. For real. Always wanted a baby, but couldn't conceive, so she and Harry adopted a Chinese baby, who will likely need years of therapy after Charlotte mothers it to the point where Michael Jackson looks like a well-developed adult in comparison. If you had to compare her to a real-life person, she would be Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

Mr. Big: The big, doughy, black-haired guy who occasionally fills in for Vincent D'Onofrio on Law & Order: Criminal Intent. He kind of looks like your uncle and all women everywhere love him and think he is the perfect man. His real name is John James Preston apparently, although I think he should have been named Brian Ignatius Grayson (Mr. B.I.G.). It would have reminded me of Josh and S.A.M., which is always a good thing. He's cool, collected, and afraid of commitment. If you had to compare him to a real-life person, he would be a pudgy, old Matthew McConaughey or maybe Alec Baldwin.

The Gay Dudes: Every guy who isn't screwing one of the four ladies is gay, bitchy, and ohhhh soooo biting with their witty remarks. They make Jack from Will & Grace look like a three-dimensional depiction of a gay dude, instead of the shrieking stereotype I vaguely remember from that day I couldn't find the remote. If you had to compare them to real-life people, they would be Perez Hilton.

The Rest: They all love Manhattan, are fashionable alcoholics, spend more on shoes daily than you spend on gas in your entire life, and apparently never actually have to go to work. Remember: if you are a boyfriend, you will have sex the night you see this movie, so sit through it, chuckle as the old one describes penises, and say something like "Those shoes were called Manolo Blahniks, right?" afterwards and then zone out until you get to the bedroom. Try as hard as you can not to call it "Sucks and the Shitty." If you are not a boyfriend, then why the hell are you seeing this movie? If you had to compare this to real-life, it would be Real Housewives of New York City. Or just every spoiled, overprivileged, middle-aged Manhattanite ever.