Dear Journal,

Last week my friend Shelly had a children's themed karate and pizza birthday party, and it was amazing- EXCEPT they cut the pizza slices in half like when you were a kid. Even as a kid I did not fall for this. I was like, "Yeah, I want the regular human being-sized slice, not this cocktail party appetizer version. Why don't you get your cheap ass back in the station wagon, Mrs. Hargrove, and pick up a decent amount of pizza?"

Pizza Math = Hard

Sharing pizza with friends can be difficult, mostly because pizza math can be complicated. Often you've got 3 people competing for 8 slices. Now the proper etiquette is that everyone gets two slices and once those slices are consumed, stand by for further instructions. Most likely, one of the three people will volunteer to forgo their slice because that person is putting up a sort of "I'm not a pig" image campaign. But if no one gives on their slice, the only way to proceed is to cut the remaining two slices into thirds, giving each person 2/3 of the two slices. Also, be aware of the person cutting the thirds. He may have ulterior motives. Like, he wants more pizza.

This game is a lot harder than it looks.

Never let salad enter into pizza math. If someone says, "Well, you had more salad," respond with, "I will kill you with this salad fork. And then we will see who ate more salad."

Play Some Passive Aggressive Pizza Pool

If you really want to play dirty pool, make people self conscious about their weight. Say something like, "This pizza goes straight to your ankles" or,"I heard pizza gives you zits." (Note: this last one is mostly for 7th graders.)

And whatever you do, don't be fooled by the "pizza racer," the guy who thinks that by finishing his two slices first he wins a third slice. In my book, all he should win is indigestion, and a trophy.

Pizza Karate = A Moment of Reflection

Which brings us back to Shelly's karate pizza birthday party. Though we were given these minuscule children's slices. I held off from the "pizza race" mentality. And during the karate portion of the party, we ended with a confidence-building exercise where we broke an actual wooden board and they told us to pretend in our minds that the board is something we fear or wish to defeat. I think others probably picked their parents or racism or their 3rd grade gym teacher, but I picked people who take more than their fair share of pizza. There were no jagged edges on that board when I was finished with it, just two clean defeated slats lying on the blue gym floor.

Here's me pretending to fight an all-veggie pizza.

And I took one of those little plastic houses that they use to separate the top of the pizza box from the cheese and tossed it on the floor next to the boards. It was a symbol that only I understood.