Why The Superman/Batman Movie Will Never Happen

by Ben Joseph on June 15, 2008

*Fade in on the Gotham City Police Department. Batman addresses Commissioner Jim Gordon and his officers.*

Batman: There's no time to waste. Two-Face is holding the Second National Bank hostage, and we-

*Superman bursts in.*

Superman: Yo, Bruce-man, sorry I'm late. What's the sitch?

Batman: Well, as I wrote in the comprehensive brief I sent out-

Superman: Oh, no worries, totally glanced over that. Double-Face, right? What's his deal again? Laser eyes? Super-speed?

Batman: No, he's, um, obsessed with the number two.

Superman: Ha! No, seriously. What's he do? Mind control?

Batman: Well, he also has this skin condition.

Superman: Are you f*cking kidding me? One sec.

*Superman crashes out through the wall.*

Batman: Actually, the skin thing is more of a metaphor for the duality of-

*Superman flies back in, carrying a handcuffed Two-Face.*

Superman: Done.

Two-Face: WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?

Superman: Also, while I was out, I went ahead and stopped crime. All of it.

Batman: But- The mission- My parents-

Superman: Dude, no worries, you can totally lighten up now.

*A single tear emerges from under Batman's cowl.*

Superman: Anyway, I'm headed to Cabo. Anybody want a lift?

*A cop tentatively raises his hand.*

Superman: Um, yeah, sorry man, when I say "anybody", I was really only talking to the chicks in the room. Any takers? No? Ah, well your loss. Later!

*Superman crashes through the other wall. Roll credits.*

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