Guy Who Robbed a Liquor Store Last Night Talks to His Buddies

by Hallie Cantor on June 17, 2008

Friend 1: Hey, did you guys hear about the liquor store on Main?

Friend 2: No, what happened?

GWRALSLN (a second after Friend 2): No, what happened?

Friend 3: Oh, I heard about that. Apparently some guy just ran in at like 10 last night in a ski mask and tried to hold them up.

Friend 2: Whoa, for real? I was there last night at like 9:45!

What a baller.

Friend 1: Seriously?

Friend 3: That's insane, man.

GWRALSLN: ...yeah, wow!

Friend 2 (to GWRALSLN): Dude, why are you surprised? I ran into you right outside there.

GWRALSLN: Oh, hah, I forgot about that. Yeah, I was just, uh, going in to the store, just picking up some brews, you know, to bring to the party. Gotta have that Miller Chill, right guys?

Friend 2: We didn't drink any beer at the party.

GWRALSLN: Um...that's because I couldn't get any! I got carded. It was gayyy. Heh.

Friend 1: So were you there during the hold-up?

GWRALSLN: No, I guess the guy came in after I left.

Friend 3: Get this--I heard he used a pink Venus razor to scare the clerk.

Friend 2: What an idiot!

Friends 1 and 2 laugh.

GWRALSLN: Well, I don't know if I'd call him an idiot, per se...I mean, maybe he was using his girlfriend's razor. In a way, it actually proves that he's more manly because he was probably staying at his girlfriend's place. I bet he's a pimp.

Friend 2: What are you talking about, man?

GWRALSLN: Nothing, forget it, let's talk about something else. Have you guys started your World Civ papers yet?

Friend 3: Nah. Oh man, but I also heard that the robber was wearing pink mittens!

GWRALSLN: Hey, my-his mom probably made him those!

Friend 2: Chill out, man.

Friend 3: And matching pink booties!

Friend 1: What a gaywad.

GWRALSLN pulls out his pink Venus razor.

GWRALSLN: Yeah, who wants to rumble now, huh?

Friends all laugh.

Friend 1: Oh no! "Somebody shave us!"

Friend 2: You must've been a really smooth criminal with those patented 5 blades!

Friend 3: Yeah, I bet after shaving you really cleaned up when you were "robbing the liquor store." Good one, man.

They exit. GWRALSLN sighs and wraps his razor in a hand-knitted bootie.