How I Would Make "Independence Day" 2 1/2 Hours Shorter

by Kevin Slane on June 24, 2008

So our technology kinda blows, big whoop, wanna fight about it?

The President (Bill Pullman): My God, we can't penetrate their shields! How will we ever defeat this alien scourge? I've been furrowing my brow and making all the motivational speeches I can, yet nothing has worked!

Jeff Goldblum: Well sir, I believe if we fly into the mothership, and upload a virus, we can effectively disable their shield for a matter of minutes and stage a massive, coordinated att-

Drunk Pilot Dude (Randy Quaid): Look, the ship is opening up to fire! I'm gonna fly my plane right into it and jam its firing mechanism like a kidney stone stuck in a dude's urethra! Despite my rampant alcoholism and lack of care for my children, I am entirely trustworthy for this mission!

Jeff Goldblum: That's preposterous, there's no way that this advanced alien race could possibly overlook such an obvious technological error, we mu-

Drunk dude: Time's up! Let's do this! Raaaaaaaaaaaaaandyyyy Quaaaaaaiiiiiiddd (flies plane into alien pee-hole, ship explodes.)

Will Smith: Welcome to Earth, bitch!

Roll Credits