I Hate that this Happens: 4th of July

I wound up without any plans for the 4th and I've had to sit though too many holidays alone so I decided to walk to a nearby park where there'd be a firework show.  I figured I'd have a couple of beers, people watch, maybe meet some interesting strangers, maybe get drunk with a girl and come back to my place. 
Before I leave I check my online distractions: AIM, Myspace, Facebook, CollegeHumor- of course there are no recent posts on any of them because they are all off having fun.  Or maybe they aren't and are just pretending to. I hate that this happens. 



I messaged a couple of people on AIM and they quickly signed off.    Messaged some people on FaceBook-poof, gone.  The online community becomes a ghost-town during holidays and usually for good reason.  Generally people know that they should not be available.

So I walk to the park, push through the crowds, look at stands full of stupid crap that could only interest me if I made an express effort.  Looked for any hot chicks that I might try to keep tabs on throughout the night.   Nobody makes eye contact.  I almost step on like five kids.  I make a note of the pizza stands and beer stands.  Beer=$4.00, pizza=$2.00.  I have $8.00 in cash so I figure I'll buy a pizza when I'm hungry and then a beer a little before the show so I have a faint buzz and then a slice for the walk home.  Good plan.  Adults are getting drunk around kids.  No wonder strange adults are monsterous when you're a kid.  Some of the old, slimy businessmen who live in the area are hitting on the young girls working the food stands.  I hate that this happens.  Often when you try to strike up a conversation with a girl, she already has her shields up because she's been repelling the attacks of Ferengi's and Klingons (you know who they are!) all night.  Man.  What would Picard do?  Picard wasn't there so I didn't engage.  Probably for the better because as we know, if you are thinking in Star-Trek analogies at the time, you are not getting laid.

I buy a beer and shortly after realize I had inadvertently begun walking into the kid's play area.  Man by himself holding a beer around kids=you look like a molester, so I turned on my heal and headed back to the zombie-like masses.  They weren't zombie-like really, they were all very animated, like the newer types of zombies, the kind that can fucking sprint after you like Nike Just Do It sons of bitches.  By this time I am wondering if anybody has taken notice of me and has begun to conclude that I am not really with anyone.  Normally you see somebody alone in a crowd walking and you figure they're going to meet someone or will be returning to someone.  I wondered how long that illusion would play.  I also wondered why I really cared.  I hate that this happens. 

The fireworks start to go off, I hasten over to a good viewing location.  Drinking my beer, works going off.  I get bored very quickly.  I realize I would be enjoying it 10x more if I had somebody to hold.  I get sad for a moment but it passes.  Back to being bored so I begin to imagine we are all celebrating some grand event.  I imagine the fireworks are going off because mankind landed on Mars.  Mankind has eliminated world hunger.  We just elected a unified world leader.  I begin to get selfish- I am that world leader.  I am a star of a movie that just came out.  It gets Independce Day wtih Will Smith- I imagine we just defeated aliens.  All of these things were pretty entertaining.  Fireworks end and people instantly begin moving back to their cars.  I notice a lot of the people around me had already been gone, obviously trying to beat traffic.  I rush over to the stands and the pizza dudes are closing down, packing up the pizza, taking tents down.  I gesture that I'd like a slice.  Very quickly the hope flashes through my mind that I'll get it for free- I mean, it's basically trash by this point, just give it to me.  I have to pay him the 2 bucks.  I am a little resentful although I know it's fair.  I hate that this happens. 

OK! Now it's like at a bar.  Closing time.  Find some girls.  Ahh none of them are attractive.  I wonder around eating my pizza acting casual.  I look up at some kids being stupid in their hotel balcony.  I look back down in front of me and there is this cute girl walking directly towards me.  It is obvious she notices me.  Then she turns her gaze up at the same stupid kids in the balcony and doesn't change her pace or direction, right into me.  I could step to the side but instantly I decide not to.  We press into eachother, my arm gently pushes across her right breast,



I don't sense a startled reactin from her- we just push steadily across eachother. I don't look at her, I just keep walking. WHYYYYY WHAT HAVE I DONE?!!!! That was it! That's what I was waiting for! I should have looked directly into her eyes and said "Oh, I'm sorry. Do you forgive me?" in some sort of charmingly befuddled Hugh Grant manner.  She would have bashfully said, "Oh, it's alright." and I could have followed up with something.  You know, she could have very well meant to do it and I really think she did.  Sometimes girls want to meet strange guys, too.  They have needs like we do. Why did I mess up?  Why am I reminding myself of the song "Perfect Situation" by Weezer?  I fail. I fail myself.  I hate that this happens.  I realize if she really wanted to talk to me that badly she would have said something herself.   Did I really come across that cold that she didn't?  Did she really not mean for it to happen and I just totally perved on her?  Why do I think every girl wants to hook up with me? I hate that all of these happen.

It was a nice night and I enjoyed myself and I'm glad I went out.  But yeah, I was alone and it's embarrassing to admit but why?  Sometimes it happens, it happens to us all.  Why do we pretend that it doesn't? I hate that this happens.  Some of the best things have happened to me when I was alone.

I love it when that happens.