1994Mom: Steve, try on these Bugle Boy pants I bought you.
Me: OK.
Mom: The cuffs are stretchy so you don't tear them when you play.
Me: I pooped in them already.
1996Me: Fellas, the Big Dog is in da house! See, it says so on my shirt.
Lucas: We all have Big Dogs on our shirts. Mine is dressed like Darth Vader, but it says Bark Vader, 'cause he's a dog.
Me: Lucas, no one cares about your gay Darth Vader shirt.
Lucas: What does gay mean?
Me: I don't know, Luc, probably has something to do with your mushroom cut.
1997Me: MOM, MOM, MOM!
Mom: What, what, what?
Me: Will you take me to Kohl's to buy these pants called JNCO's? They're only sixty dollars and you get twice as much fabric as normal jeans.
Mom: Sixty dollars? What's wrong with the Lee Pipes I bought you?
Me: Think about the name, Mom. Pipes are for plumbers and Great-Grandpa Lou who has emphysema from them. Besides, Pipes are only forty dollars instead of sixty, so the other kids might think I'm gay.
Mom: You don't know what gay means, do you?
Me: Poor?
1998Lucas: Steve, why did you buy a shirt with Psyduck on it?
Me: Luc, you're such an idiot. Don't you pay attention in class? It's irony, duh.
Lucas: What's ironic about it?
Me: It's like rain on your wedding day. A free ride when you've already paid.
Lucas: No, that's Alanis Morissette.
Me: Is the answer "gay"?
Lucas: Nope.
2000Big Brother: Are you cutting up Abercrombie bags and using them as book covers?
Me: Yup. It's all part of the lifestyle--that, and black and white photos. Seriously, these clothes make me feel empowered and wealthy, like I could cleat a homeless kid in the throat with no consequence. I might even take up lacrosse.
Big Brother: That's stupid.
Me: No it's not. Want my extra puka shells to make a necklace?
Big Brother: Absolutely not.
Me: Whatever, you're gay.
2008Me: Wow, Luc, check out all these great deals I found at the outlet mall. 40% off chinos at Banana Republic, half-off graphic tees at Guess, and 30% off leather vests at Christopher's Sweaty Men in Chaps Emporium.
Lucas: You still don't know what gay means, do you?
Recording...
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