If Batman Carried a Gun...

by Dean on July 13, 2008

Lt. James Gordon stands beside the bat signal light atop the roof of police headquarters on a dark, cloudy night.

Gordon: Ready for another dangerous night, Batman? I hear the Joker's plotting to rob Gotham's First National Bank.

Batman: Eh, no that's just a rumor. I actually shot the Joker three nights ago.

Gordon: I also hear Two-Face is--wait, what?

Batman: Shot him. Three slugs in the chest, and one in the face for good measure.

Batman raises a .357 in the air and waves it around.

Gordon: I thought you didn't--

Batman: Use guns? Yeah, well, you don't think I want be running across roof tops the rest of my life, do you? I mean, how many times have I captured the Joker? Like a dozen? And he always escapes anyway to launch another attack that wil kill hundreds more. Also, it occurred to me that guns are far more convenient than batarangs and grappling hooks. Not to mention gas pellets. I mean, what am I? A crime fighter or some kind of gay-ass magician?

Gordon: I see...and Two-Face?

Batman: Snipered him from a roof last night. Brains splattered everywhere. Never even saw it coming.

Gordon: Penguin?

Batman: Shot. With bird shot, no less.

Gordon: Scarecrow?

Batman: Shot.

Gordon: Killer Cro-

Batman: Shot.

Gordon: Poison Iv-

Batman: Shot.

Gordon: The Riddler?

Batman just turns and nods.

Gordon: Well then. Uh, let's see...coffee, maybe?

Batman: Actually, I'm gonna turn in for the night. See if I can catch The Office.

Gordon: Will we see you around anymore?

Batman: Don't know. I'm thinking of heading over to Central City, maybe giving Flash a hand. I hear's he fighting a guy now who throws boomerangs. Yeah, boomerangs. He's so shot.

Gordon: Alrighty. Um...you will help me dismantle this giant bat signal then, won't you? It's kinda heavy and--

Gordon turns to see Batman's disappeared into the night.

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