I have an unhealthy obsession with the Olympics; this is a known fact by virtue of me being aware that I need help. But am I going to get help? No, probably not, I don't have time really, the Olympics is on.

You are not even getting my point here...I'm trying to teach you all an important lesson, and that lesson is when you start doing something at the age of three and then at the age of four someone says you are sixteen and you have no eyebrows, you can win a gymnastics gold metal.

Don't think you are fooling us China, because I know you are reading this, and I have a message for you, if you are trying to reach the 18-24 market of American males, you are not doing so well right now. The American gymnastics team, on the other hand, they have the right idea. I honestly don't think we pick our athletes because of talent anymore, we do it based on your headshot, and if we find out it is photoshopped you are a communist.

Look, first and foremost we care if America wins, and if they don't it hurts a tiny little bit in my spleen for a week or so, but that makes sense to me so I don't have to try to explain it to you. Since we can't all be Mike Phelps and beat the ever living shit out of water for gold on a 50 minute time table, sometimes the Americans lose.

For instance, our gymnasty team this previous evening did not do so well. Well, they got silver, but we all know the silver is the color of weakness and that liquid used for enemas so basically it's not good on all accounts.

If you can't jump off a platform, land on a beam that is barely bigger than Calista Flockhart, then transfer into a 360 back tuck while blindfolded, you just shouldn't be there, and let me do it. And I know I am not technically allowed back into China, but that is semantics and GW knows it. No one told me how much they really liked the great wall; anyone could have done what I did. I know the question you want to ask here, and no, they never found those rabid dogs.

Overall I am happy about how this Olympics is going, I mean, they have a stadium that looks like a bird's nest, and that is straight up ballin'. I am just waiting for the giant eagle to come out of nowhere and totally regurgitate all over the place, but I know that is only a pipe dream of mine and is only 12% possible. I did the math, carry the 5....I know, I forgot the first time too.

Okay, well this has been fun but badminton is on so I have to go and direct all my attention to the birdie or shuttlecock or whatever they want to call it. I still don't understand how the commentator doesn't laugh everytime he says shuttlecock. It boggles my mind.