A Conversation Between the People Who Hid in My Closet Every Night When I Was Seven

by Simon Rich on September 04, 2008

From Free-Range Chickens

Freddy Krueger: When do you guys want to kill him?
Murderer from the six o'clock news: How about right now?
Dead Uncle whose body I saw at an open casket funeral: I say we do it when he gets up to pee. You know, when he's walking down the hallway, in the dark.
Freddy Krueger: What if he doesn't get up?
Murderer: He'll get up. Look at how he's squirming. It's only a matter of time.
Dead Uncle: Man, I cannot wait to kill this kid.
Murderer: Same here.
Freddy Krueger: I've wanted to kill him ever since he saw my movie.
Dead Uncle: Hey, do you guys remember that night-light Simon used to have?
Murderer: Man, that thing scared the heck out of me.
Freddy Krueger: It's a good thing his mom got rid of it. Now there's nothing to stop us from killing him.
(Everyone nods in agreement.)
Dr. Murphy: Hey, guys, sorry I'm late. I was busy scheduling an appointment with Simon, to give him shots.
Freddy Krueger: No problem.
(Freddy Krueger and Dr. Murphy do their secret handshake.)
Murderer: It's getting kind of crowded in here. Chucky, can you move over?
Chucky: I'm over as far as I can get.
Murderer: I need more space than you're giving me. I'm a lot bigger than you.
Chucky: Are you calling me short?
Dr. Murphy: Hey, guys, relax, all right? We're all here for the same reason: to kill and possibly eat Simon.
Murderer: (Sighs.) You're right. I'm sorry.
Chucky: Yeah . . . me too. I kind of lost perspective.
Dr. Murphy: It's okay. Just remember: we're all in this together.
Dead Uncle: Hey, it looks like he's getting up! Wait a minute . . . where's he going?
Chucky: I think he's running into his mom's room!
Dead Uncle: Maybe we should follow him?
Chucky: Are you insane? I'm not facing that kid's mother. That woman is terrifying!
Murderer: Seriously, there is no way I'm going in there.
Freddy Krueger: (Sighs.) I guess tonight's a bust. Let's try tomorrow, okay? Same time, same place.

Excerpted from Free-Range Chickens by Simon Rich Copyright © 2008 by Simon Rich. Excerpted by permission of Random House, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

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