Alex Rodriguez: Always Clutch at the Wrong Time

by kyle swartz on September 04, 2008

New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez is often derided by the media for coming through when situations are no longer important, i.e. hitting a homerun when his team is up or down by eight runs.

Arod - Honey, kids, dinner is ready! I made chop suey!

Wife - I'm in our room!

Arod - Dinner's ready. Where are the kids? Wait, why are you in bed?

Wife - It's 11 o'clock. The kids are asleep and I'm reading before I also go to bed.

Arod - What about dinner?

Wife - You said you were going to cook, but then you just stared meekly at the stove in silence for six hours. We ordered Dominoes.

Arod - Oh, wow.

Wife - Yeah.

Arod- I'm very sorry Madonna.

Wife - What'd you call me?

Arod (answering the phone) - Hello?

IRS Agent - Hello, Mr. Rodriguez, how are you doing tonight?

Arod - Good. Who is this?

IRS Agent - I'm with the IRS. I'd like to begin preliminary procedures regarding an audit on your taxes this year.

Arod - Whoa, whoa, hold on, I know for a fact that I filed them perfectly. I bought one of those 'idiot's-guide-to' books and followed all the rules! I sent my taxes in just last week!

IRS Agent - You do know it's July, right?

Arod - Oh... so it is.

IRS Agent - Alright, so I'm going to begin with your write-offs for charitable donations. It says here that you gave "two million dollars for the cause of cleaning up the Exxon Valdez spill"???

Arod - That's right; the Alaskan government was more than happy to receive my donation. I can't let another day go by in which those lovable seals are drowning in oil.

IRS Agent - Yikes, you're serious, aren't you?

Arod - Honey! Quick, get in here! I finally got that erection! Honey! Hurry up! We can have sex now!

Proctologist - Wow, uh, okay Mr. Rodriguez, if you could just be kind enough, you know, to bend back over the patient table, um, so I could retrieve my hand.

Arod - Honey! Get in here! Quick! It's huge! Honey! Honey? Madonna?

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