Am I a junkie? And tickets are now on sale for Sleepwalk With Me!

by Mike Birbiglia on September 11, 2008

Hey email partners!

- I'm heading out on my tour this week on my SLEEPING WHILE STANDING TOUR. there are just a few tickets left for Indianapolis, Minneapolis, and St. Louis...

-Tickets are on sale for SLEEPWALK WITH ME off-Broadway! Plan your trips to NYC. Visit friends. Crash on couches. Get tickets right away if you want to secure a specific date. I'm working on getting some discounts for colleges students, broke people, etc, but they will probably be on very specific dates, so get your tickets now if you're making plans. This is the best show I've even done and we got a great early mention in the Time Out NY Fall Preview: "Birbiglia peppers an intricately crafted monologue...with the trademark witticisms that have already made him a commercial hit..." Commercial hit? I'm not sure about that. But that being said, I'm very proud of SLEEPWALK and would love for you to come. Also, I got a nice mention on broadwayworld.com!

- Check out this birbigstube clip from my DVD WHAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID WAS NOTHING. (by the way, i have nothing against Mormons. I just think it's funny that there was a baby in the audience and Mormons occasionally have many, many babies.)

Here's a peek inside my journal...

Dear Journal,

This week I'm preparing for my tour: buying toiletries, doing laundry, and making sure I have my sleepwalking medicine. Since it's a controlled substance, they're careful not to give it out to just anyone. And on my last tour, I started to feel like "just anyone."

I ran out of my pills and when I called my doctor to ask for a refill, she treated me like a junkie. She was like, "Mike-what's going on with you?" I was like, "What do you mean?" She was like, "What are you really doing with these pills?" I actually know so little about drugs that I started trying to figure out what she meant...What could I do with these pills? Snort them...Inject them...Mix them in a Strawberry Daquiri? I actually hate drugs, but the more you try to explain to someone that you're not a junkie, the more you sound like a junkie. I was like, "I don't even like drugs!" She was like "When you come back, we're gonna have a talk." I was like, "That's fine, but if you could just give me a few to get by..." She was like, "You mean a taste?" I'm like "Yea a taste...No, not a taste I'd never want a taste!"

I actually don't use recreational drugs for the same reason I don't do recreational sports: I'm not good at them. I always end up getting hit in the face with hacky sack or accidentally eating a piece of charcoal from a hibachi or sitting in a corner alone wondering why they don't make pizza-flavored candy bars. (They could call them "Mozza-Choco-Rellas." People would love them. I'd be the most popular man in America, etc.)

And in fairness to my doctor, it's not like I don't exhibit compulsive behavior. If she had said, "Mike- you're addicted to Googling yourself and face-booking your ex-girlfriends," I'd be like "You got me there, Doctor." So if she knew me well, she'd know that I don't abuse my pills- but here's the thing. My doctor doesn't know me well. Because we're in the era of Home Depot health care - I'm lucky if my doctor will talk to me for 5 minutes. Doctors are like rock stars and nurses are like roadies and when by the time I see my doctor I freeze up and forget all my questions and act like I would if I met Bono. I'm like, "It's really...awesome...to see you. No I feel fine. I feel good! Ok bye!!!" And then I go home and surf WebMD.com, which for a hypochondriac is like grocery shopping. I'm like "Let's see...Asthma- yep, probably have that...Lyme disease, seems about right...Let me just grab some kidney stones and I think I just had a stroke." I actually think Arnold Schwarzenegger should set up a Dr. Schwarzenegger web site where you enter all your symptoms and then you press enter and a picture of Arnold pops up and says, "It's not a tumor." That's just another idea I had.

So back to the story - I'm on tour - and I'm on the phone with my doctor and the pressure's on to convince her I'm not a junkie. So I went with my "business voice" which is a cross between an impersonation of my mom and a black comedian's "white guy voice." I'm like, "So, ah, here's my predicament. I'm in Omaha. I don't have my medication, and I'm a bit afraid of going to sleep because things can get... a little hairy." My doctor heard my alarmingly "white" tone and knew she had to take action. She called a local pharmacy. When I got back to New York, I met with her and explained how much of my life is on the road. And as I'm explaining this, it occurs to me that maybe, I'm even addicted to touring. She listened to me for about 6 minutes and my moment with Dr. Bono was over.

I felt like we had made a little progress.

And that concludes this week's entry in my secret public journal.

PACHOO! TOUR DATES!

SEPTEMBER