25 Tips for Incoming Freshmen

FRESHMEN: LISTEN UP YOU LITTLE MAGGOTS!!! While at college I drank many beers, tried drugs I had never heard of and had women whose name I did not know.  I lived like a king and drank like a peasant.  I never studied for a test until the day before it was to take place and I rarely turned homework in on time.  Here are some tips that I would like to gift upon the graduating class of 2008 that will be entering their first year of college.  I wish not to sound pretentious or preachy as it should be known that I am currently unemployed and live at my mom's house.   

¢1.)    Even though you think that fart building up during class will be silent, it rarely ever is, and even rarer is it not going to smell when you spent the entire night before drinking Busch Light and eating Tabasco Cheez-its.  And if you think that letting it out really slowly may help, it usually just creates a higher pitch squeak instead.  Hold it, go to the bathroom, or fart loud and fart proud. 

¢2.)    Professors are usually dicks, there is no getting around it.  Yeah sure, there's that really cool one who makes references to bong rips, but he is also working on a doctorate in anthropology and the hairy legged TA is his girlfriend of nine years.  SO how cool is he really? 

¢3.)    Ecstasy is not that cool

¢4.)    Psychology majors are weirdos

¢5.)    Asian exchange students who get ridiculously high scores and mess up the grading curve will likely start a company in their home country that will put lazy Americans to shame, not to mention out of work. 

¢6.)    Check out how many sexual predators live in the dorms, you might be surprised.

¢7.)    Most fraternity dudes are pretty normal.  As most sorority girls are not bitches.  But beware, if you spot a guy with a popped baby blue collar wearing a white Ralph Lauren hat placed ever so carefully slightly to the side and sitting so low on his face that he has to tilt his neck back to see wear he is walking whom you never see smile, you can bet he probably has mommy daddy issues and a kegs worth of insecurity underneath it all. 

¢8.)    Don't pop your collar

¢9.)    Ugg boots will always be debated

¢10.)                        Don't let someone attack your manhood because you aren't willing to play Edward Forty Hands on a Sunday night.  Instead, call them in an hour and a half afterwards and just put the phone next to a running sink while playing Enya intha background.

¢11.)                        Sure, Akon and Lil Wayne get people dancing but how about a little variety DJs?

¢12.)                        Dogs, don't get one.  You've seen that spoiled little bitch next door who carries a pocket poodle in her designer purse and the hippie kid who gets pulled on his longboard behind a lab-pit mix.  They actually have a lot in common, their a sucker for cute furry little puppies, their house smells like shit, and you can't sit on their couch without getting hair all over your North Face.

¢13.)                        Don't spend all your money on North Faces.  I'll admit that I've owned a couple and loved them each.  But damn it if I didn't see those little sluts draped on some other guy just weeks after hooking up.  Have you considered Patagonia?

¢14.)                        If while drunk you think to your self "hmm...am I making a bade deicision?" you most certainly are. 

¢15.)                        If while stoned you find yourself bored, quit smoking weed. 

¢16.)                        If while on acid and you think the walls are moving and everyone is stairing at you, you are probably alone and outdoors. 

¢17.)                        Don't do acid

¢18.)                        Good Pizza VS. Cheap Pizza.  David VS. Goliath.  Sweet Heaven VS. Card Board.  Spend the extra couple bucks and sacrifice a couple slices.

¢19.)                        Condoms. Use them

¢20.)                        Virginity. Lose it

¢21.)                        Politics. Forget about it.  No one likes a stiff that regurgitates what their parents preach to them.

¢22.)                        Football.  The best excuse to drink all day

¢23.)                        Douche bags.  I'm sorry to say it but you will find a good amount of these in college.  Anyone with a cool bone in their body can spot them, you're not alone.

¢24.)                        Graduating college in four years IS like leaving a party at 9.  But taking six or more years for a bachelors is like showing up hammered, getting coked up in the bathroom, boldly shouting that you could kick anyone's ass, and taking home the fattest chick there.  Leave with dignity, leave with honor.

¢25.)                        Don't get kicked out.