Why I Am Voting For John McCain

Allow me to start by explaining that I am a college-educated, liberal male in his early twenties from a family of hardcore Democrats, who feels that Barack Obama will lead this great nation into a new age of peace and prosperity. However, I am also someone who enjoys being entertained. For this reason, I am voting for John McCain to be President of The United States, and I urge you all to follow my example. The reasons for why I am voting for John McCain are numerous, complex, and entirely stupid. Here are just a few of them:

Reason Number One: His Age
Recently, John McCain turned 72 years old. As someone who spent some time working in a nursing home in Worcester, Massachusetts, I can say with total confidence, and with no sense of reservation or irony, that every person over the age of 70 is out of their f*cking minds. All of them. Zero exceptions. They have a deep-rooted and unwavering fear of anything that was made in the last 40 years,which can only come from years of old age and general ignorance. I find this hilarious in every way possible, and even in some ways that are impossible. Now, 72 year old John McCain says he is prepared to be the push of a button away from nuclear war, and I have serious doubts as to his capacity to turn the channel on his television. This, I feel, will lead to one inevitable, horrifying, and undeniably side-splitting headline during the McCain administration:

United States Engages In Nuclear War With China
President McCain: "Honestly, I was just trying to put on Matlock."

I dare you to not vote for this guy.

Reason Number Two: His Advancements Of The Policies Of The Bush Administration
Take a moment and think of all the damage the Bush Administration has caused. Our economy is in shambles, we have lost more freedoms as citizens than under any President in history, over 4,000 brave men and women have died in a senseless war that costs 10 billion dollars a month, and we have dried up almost all international good will. Now take a moment to think of all the hilarity our President has caused, from awkward dancing, to screwing up easy to pronounce words, to presiding over an Administration which lies to and deceives the American public about once every 3 days. HA! When you add it all up, it is easy to see why this has been the most "awesomely bad" Administration in the history of our nation, and the runner-up, the Carter Administration, isn't even close. And here comes Barack Obama, touting what could very well be a "Best song of the 80s" type of Presidency. Sure, on the surface this may sound like a good idea, but deep down inside, you know what episode you'd rather see on VH1. So thanks but no thanks, Barack, for your Livin' On a Prayeresque potential, but we're all set with "We Built This City." Now repeat after me: 4 more years! 4 more years! Although with his advancing age and long history of illnesses, it'll probably be more like 2 ½ more years! Although with his advancing age and long history of illnesses, it'll probably be more like 2 ½ more years!

Reason Number Three: His Running Mate
To this point, it seems like every negative thing you could say about Sarah Palin has already been said. "She has no foreign policy experience", "She's a neo-conservative who is entirely out of the mainstream", "I bet she wouldn't blow me on my birthday." So, naturally, I was a little worried that all the potential humor from her vice-presidency had already been dried up by the liberal elites and their "fact-checking" and "questions". But rest assured, hope was restored last week, when possibly President Sarah Palin got her proverbial ass handed to her by Katie Couric on national television. I'll be the first to admit that I didn't think it was possible to be made to look dumb by a person who, just a few years ago, spent every morning conducting hard-hitting interviews with various children's toy company representatives and Spelling Bee champions. But lo and behold, Sarah Palin found herself stumped by questions from a person whose previous job required her to dress up for Halloween. This is a level of inadequacy-related humor from a vice president that can be matched only by Dan Quayle misspelling 'potato', Dick Cheney shooting his friend in the face, and Al Gore winning a Nobel Peace Prize after losing an election to George W. Bush.

So when you go to the polls this November, make sure you take care of your funny bone and vote McCain-Palin, because pretty soon you probably won't have insurance to cover any other part of your body.