The Conan Pizza Fast and Sleepwalk Continues!

Dear America and Alaska,

1. Thanks for watching me on Conan. I'm assuming you tuned in for Ludacris, and stuck around for me. But whatever the case, you can watch it here on Myspace. Also, yesterday I was named the MySpace "featured comedian!" This honor has been compared to the Oscars, the Emmy's, and the MySpace "featured musician."

2. We have new shirts for Sleepwalk with Me! "Shirts in the winter?" you ask. Well, what do you wear under your sweater? (pause) I thought so.

3. Thanks to everybody who has come out to the first 2 weeks of Sleepwalk. We're still going strong. And by strong, I mean weak yet hilarious. Hey look, these blogs liked it!

The Media NerdMars I AmBuzy Guy In Da NYC

Thanks Blogosphere! And now a new journal entry...

Dear Journal,

This week I returned from my tour for my off-Broadway run of Sleepwalk With Me in New York. On the final week of my tour, I noticed someone scalping tickets to my show on Craigslist. It was an honor to finally be listed on the only site where you can troll for gay sex while browsing used washing machines. Well, the ad said, and I quote:

"I have 4 tickets for one of the hottest comedians in America. Not hot good-looking, but hot as in funny."

Now, this was a lot for my self-esteem to take, but I'm trying to stay positive. For example, if the person had written:

"4 tickets for one of the hottest comedians. Not hot "funny," but hot with a sexy face and unstoppable body. DON'T listen to the material, DO stare at his balls."

That might have been worse.

So I got a call that I was going to be on Late Night with Conan O'Brien and that I might even get to sit on the couch and I was like, "I love sitting on the couch. I do that all the time with my cats Ivan and Miss Lucy."

Having just gotten off the road, I was not ready to be on TV. You see, eating healthy on the road is difficult. Road fare consists mostly of fried lard balls and low-fat muffins. On the road, you eat at places like Steak 'n Shake, because how could you possibly drive by a fast food restaurant that is trying to make it seem normal to eat steak and wash it down with a chocolate parfait? That would be un-American. I don't know a lot about nutrition, but I think once you've eaten a steak, you've got your "saturated fat" group covered. You need to eat food from those other food groups, like "soda and candy" and "cheese and donuts."

So I put myself on a crash course. For starters, I cut back on pizza, which is tough because in New York City they sell the best pizza on every corner. It's like Santa Claus cutting back on cookies. There are so many god-damned cookies! So my wife created a new rule for me - which is simply that I can't eat an entire pizza. And by that, I mean a pizza made for 3 to 10 people. Because when I see a pizza in front of me, I don't see it as a size. I see it as an opportunity to be happy, and then very tired, and then 4 pounds heavier.

Well, to ensure that I would be hot for television, my wife also enrolled me in a class that integrates Pilates, yoga, and water boarding. It's called "Core Fusion," and it's a class that attempts to fuse your core by crushing your vertebrae into a very fine powder. Every time we would go, I would have the urge to leave 20 minutes into the class. And then 30 minutes. And then 40 minutes. And I would think about how easy some of these poses would be if only I didn't have a penis.

At the end of the week, I appeared on Conan. And I wasn't hot good looking but I was hot funny. And afterwards, my wife took me out for pizza. And she let me have an entire pizza. And that was hot.

And that concludes this week's entry in my secret public journal.