The Morning After Heroes

Claire, Jesus. I had errands to run today.

Last Week on Heroes: Elle and Sylar were feeling some SPARKS, if you know what I mean! (They both shot electricity out of their fingertips.)

This Week: Arthur sketches a newly dead Claire, which kind of makes it feel like we're right back where we started in Season 1. Except for the drop in quality. Anyway, he'd like to know why he did that, so he asks Mohinder, because it's obviously a science question.

Hiro, that Circle K phone booth with anime hair, still can't remember anything past his 10th birthday, so Ando drags him to Parkman's place in the hopes that those missing 18 years can be restored.

Because there are so many important memories to recover. Like that one time he saw a boob. In that magazine. Also, to reiterate, as long as Hiro can still freeze time and be cartoonishly enthusiastic about it, he's the exact same as before, so I'm not sure why this is such a big deal. Anyway they need to find Daphne, so Hiro teleports them to her farmhouse in Smallville or whatever.

Noah brings Claire back to that dead black (hole) guy's house, which has been repurposed as a super-high-tech training facility. What I mean is there are several pieces of wood strewn about, and Noah would like his daughter to try and bash his brains in with one of them. Sure it seems stupid at first, but America has a long, proud tradition of dispensing justice at the end of a 2x4.

New power couple Sylelle decides they need to find The Cheerleader post haste, because on Heroes that's usually a good place to start. But before they leave, Sylar complains about something or other, so Elle calls him a bitch-boy, so he kills that guy from the Dodge Sell-A-Thon commercials to prove that he's not. (He still is.)

The Mohinders, they are-a-changin'. Well, just the one, really. As the eclipse appROACHes, Mo starts to get all sticky, so he's like "Aw, hamburgers," and instinctively strings himself up in a cocoon. (What fucking insect is he supposed to be, anyway?)

The eclipse begins, so we get a slow-motion montage of every character on the show, suddenly feeling its effects. The sky grows dark, Heroes and Villains alike are rendered powerless and, most apocalyptic of all, Rosie O' Donnell has a new variety show. That wasn't part of the episode, I just thought everyone should know.

Mohinder wakes up, looking like he took a nap inside The Great Pumpkin. His creepy bugshell skin is gone. Seemingly cured, he starts looking up Maya on Facebook so he can go tap that again when Arthur walks in and stops him. Arthur, you idiot. He was about to write himself off the show.

The Amazin' Petrelli Brothers need to find the Haitian, so after what I can only assume is hours upon hours of careful deliberation, they decide to start by looking in Haiti. They Ace&Gary their way down there, but that pesky eclipse sends them plummeting powerless out of the sky. Fortunately, the fall doesn't kill Nathan. Unfortunately, it also does not kill Peter. Despite some family bickering, they find their man quickly, because the population of Haiti is four people and some chickens. But wait! The Haitian's brother, The Other Haitian, is a corrupt military leader, and he's on Arthur's payroll! Everyone gets shot at with machine guns. Fortunately, the gunfire doesn't hit Nathan. Unfortunately, it also does not hit Peter.

Back in Kansas, where the players play, Matt tries to get Daphne's dad to let him inside their farmhouse. Only his powers aren't working, which makes his goofy little crazy-eyed mind stare just another goofy little crazy-eyed crazy person stare. Parkman gets frustrated, so Hiro whips a bunch of corn at him for some reason. And for some reason, this works and he goes back to try again.

Noah and Claire are still hanging out in their makeshift Dagobah when they're suddenly attacked by Elle and Sylar. Claire saves her dad but gets shot in the process, and guess what she can't heal. Noah takes her home and says no hospitals -- she'll have to wait for the eclipse to pass. Awesome father. Meanwhile, Claire's now-uninvincible body reacts the same way anyone else's would to being perforated with bullets. She gets a fever.

Hiro and Ando let Parkman do his thing while they seek out a comic book shop for the next issue of 9th Wonders, the artist/author of which has been dead for over a year, but who gives a shit, right? Also Seth Green and Breckin Meyer take a break from making their own horrible TV show (Robot Chicken) to cameo on this one as the comic shop owners. What, no Adam Brody?

Finally, the merciful end of this craptastic installment: Thinking like a guy for once, Parkman tells Daphne he's in love with her so that she'll let him inside. She then reveals that, without her ability, she's a gimp. Daphne is Forrest Gump in reverse. Seriously, I dare you to not laugh at that scene.

Oh yeah, and Noah has a sniper rifle trained on Sylelle. Gee, I can't wait to see him not kill them.

Bad Ass Moments:
Looks like someone might win $2 million on Deal or No Deal this week!

Bad, Ass Moments:
Let's see, we have every character on the show losing their powers 20 minutes in. Maybe we should put some powers in that first 20 minutes? Nah, nevermind. That's stupid.

Best Lines:
Sylar: "I hate Heroes."
Daphne's dad: "Why are you... turning your head sideways?"
Nathan (to Peter): "I'm a U.S. Senator. You're a nurse."

That's What She Said:
"She filled me in pretty good."
"This time, put your body weight into it."
"It hurts. I never thought I'd be able to hurt again. It sucks, but it's wonderful."
"Your father warned us you'd come."

Next Week:
Claire guest stars on ER!