My 10 New Years Resolutions

by Lincoln Hawk on January 01, 2009

10. Stop killing Hobos

9. I will Potty train a dolphin. So I can prove once and for all, that all my drunken claims are not ridiculous. Next year I am going to lasso a unicorn. Naked

8. I will stop peeing in the public pool and I will also stop calling my dog's face "The public pool". Poor little wet fellow

7 I will start eating out at more healthy places. Right after I go to Wikipedia and change the definition of "healthy places" to "vagina's". That's right I will start eating out at more vagina's.

6. I will learn another language. So I can finally get my Chinese prostitution ring oFf the ground.

5. From the 1993 Vault: I will stop taking baths with strange men no matter how much licorice or root beer they have. P.S Steve, that was definetly not a a black licorice stick.

4. I will write a sequel to the movie "Million Dollar Baby". But it will have nothing to do with boxing and will be about a baby that is sold for a million dollars. Then eaten.

3. I will enhance my physique with strenuous workouts and illegal supplements. In the sentence above replace the word "physique" with "penis"

2. I will write the great American novel. Right after I go to Wikipedia and change the definition of "great American novel' to "a crude picture of a Snoopy fucking a rhino"

1. Get famous, go on the "Tyra" Show, jump on my chair ala "Tom Cruise". Then when the crowd is distracted I will execute a perfect "missile drop kick" on that bitch. She will fall back onto her giant ass which will act as a trampoline shooting her back to her feet. Where I will be patiently waiting to deliver a viscous clothesline. America's Top Model, my ass.

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