Seven Epic Drunk Dials

1. Calling my roommate from...somewhere:

Mikey: "What?"

Alex: "Want me to pick you up anything from Burgerville?"
Mikey: "The fuck are you talking about?"

Alex: "We're going through the drive-through at Burgerville; you want a shake or something?"

Mikey: "The closest Burgerville to Seattle is like 200 miles away."

Alex: "I see..."

Mikey: "Dude, who are you with?"

(Long pause)

Alex: "I'm gonna have to call you back."

2. Calling a friend for a ride home:

Bonnie: "Where are you?"

Alex: "Hiding under a bridge."

Bonnie: "Again?"

3. Stumbling home from a 4 of July celebration:

Jeff: "Hello?"

Alex: "Jeff, what's a dime sack?"

Jeff: "A measurement of weed.  Why?"

Alex: "˜Because I'm currently holding one."

Jeff: "But you don't smoke."

Alex: "I know."

Jeff: "So how'd you get it?"

Alex: "I...don't know."

(Long pause)

Jeff: "It's really sad that I'm not even that surprised right now."

Alex: "What's an 8-ball?"

4. Coming out of a blackout, realizing I have no idea who I'm talking to:

Girl: "You're an asshole."

Alex: "Huh?"

Girl: "You're an asshole.  You're never nice to me; I don't know why I put up with you."

Alex: "Right, um, yea sorry about that. What exactly did I do?"

Girl: "Just...everything!  I mean, you always-"

Alex: "Gonna need specifics here, babe."

Girl: "Aaargh!"

-Click-

5. Calling Dano while watching football the morning after he got arrested:

Dano's Phone: "You've reached Dano's phone, leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."

Alex: "Dano!  You're in fucking jail, man!  That sucks!"

TheOrangutan: "We're gonna come break you out, so listen up."

Alex: "Fuck jail!"

TheOrangutan:  "I have a Jeep, you have a truck.  Somehow I'm sure we can make that work."

Alex: (to TheOrangutan) "Dude, I think he's like ten stories up."

TheOrangutan: "Fuck. Well, how high can you jump?"

-Beep-

Dano's Phone: "You've reached Dano's phone, leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."

Alex: "I can't believe you're actually in jail Dano.  I mean, come on, bro."

TheOrangutan:  "New plan; we're gonna gather everyone from the pledge class and bum rush the front desk."

Alex: "After the game, though."

TheOrangutan:  "Right."

Alex: "We should give him updates so he feels more connected."

TheOrangutan:  "Good idea."

Alex: "So, we just kicked off to them, and they ran it about fifteen yards until-"

-Beep-

Dano's Phone: "You've reached Dano's phone, leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."

Alex: "Dano, bro, you really just need to get out of jail."

TheOrangutan: "Final plan: push the skinny button until you can squeeze out the window, then just float down like a piece of paper."

Alex: "But don't let some hobo make you into a sign."
TheOrangutan: "Unless it's one of those funny ones about ninjas."

Alex: "Right.  You hear that Dano?  Only if it has ninjas."

-Beep-

6. Attempting to make (un)wise investments:

Alex's Dad: "Hello?"

Alex: "Hi dad; could you buy me some stock in Anheuser-Busch?"

Alex's Dad: "The markets are closed."

Alex: "I'll pay you back."

Alex's Dad: "No, Alex, listen, the - wait, why do you want to buy Anheuser-Busch stock?"

Alex: "Well, judging by the size of my friends' and my bar tabs, you're going to want to buy some too."

Alex's Dad: (sighs)

Alex: "Do you think shareholders can opt to receive dividends in the form of Bud Light?"

7. Calling my old Atmospheric Sciences 101 Teacher's Assistant:

Alex: "Yo Jonesy how's it goin' bro?"

Jonesy: "It's going well man, just printing out tomorrow's quizzes."

Alex: "Really now...that's funny, because I was just studying for tomorrow's quiz and was wondering if you could help me, um, focus my studies?"

Jonesy: "Do you always study with Ludacris in the background?"

Alex: "Creates a nice aura of confidence."

Jonesy: "Yeah, you could really use more of that..."

ObnoxiousGirl: "What's up Weather TA?!  Holla!  I make it rain!  Haha."

Jonesy: "Drunk girls?"

Alex: "Just adding to the Ludacris concept."

Jonesy: "Are you going to come to class hungover again and sprint to the bathroom halfway through the quiz to puke?"

Alex: "For you Jonesy, I'll puke before I get to class."

Jonesy: "Thanks, Bash."

(Long silence)

Alex: "Sooo...how about them quiz questions?"

Jonesy: "Bye Alex."

-Click-

Alex: "Oh well, there's always cheating to fall back on."