Harrison's Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day

by Bobby Wheeler on March 25, 2009

My roommate sent this e-mail to Matt Stone's lawyer following last week's South Park in which Cartman did a Dark Knight parody as "The Coon." "his is all true and real. If you haven't seen the episode this might not make sense but he explains everything pretty well. If you don't know Harrison, well...bad things happen to Harrison...you'll see.

Hello,
I don't know if you're the right person to be contacting about this, but your email address was the only thing specific (i.e. not a generic Viacom/Comedy Central telephone number) I found online in regards to getting in touch with someone at South Park.
So, sorry in advance if you are the wrong person to talk to.
Here's what I wanted to say:

I'm a senior writing major at Ithaca College. For the past three years I've been working on a graphic novel script which then turned into my senior project/thesis. The story is about a man who wants to become a hero, but in order to do so, he must do villainous things to people around him. I dubbed him an 'Anti-Villain.' The character was called the Raccoon. (I say wasbecause obviously I can't call him that anymore.)

It's Wednesday, March 18, 9:58. I sat down on my roommate Matt's bed to watch the newest episode of South Park.
The episode starts and I hear Cartman's Christian Bale Batman voice. My other roommate Zach yelled out, "Oh man, this is going to be amazing!"
Cue to the reveal of Cartman's outfit. The Coon.
What?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
This can't be happening.
I tore at my hair with a combination of disbelief and frustration.
"Harrison, this is the worst day of your life!" Matt shouted. (Matt shouts everything, not just at that moment.)

After the show I was left in a daze. I paced aimlessly around my house. I made a pact with myself to go to bed when I was out of either beer or cigarettes.š

The Replacements starring Keanu Reeves was on. I've seen this movie dozens of times before, but for some reason it just seemed so right to be watching it then.
I finished my cigarettes first. I went to bed. (The day after I did a rough count of how many Labatt Blue's I drank. 14. In three hours. Yes, I go to college.) Around 3 or 4 in the morning I rushed to the bathroom and violently puked. I puked so hard that I popped blood vessels on my face, creating little red splotches.
So that's my story about watching the South Park episode, "The Coon." All is not lost though. I'm taking the lemons South Park gave me and I'm trying to turn it into pity sex.
Attached is my script, in case you wanted to look at it. I feel compelled for some reason to tell you that it isn't finished.
Thank you for your time, and ruining my senior thesis,

Sincerely,

Harrison

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