The Morning After - American Idol - Final 9 or Something

by Goroman on March 31, 2009

I just started watching American Idol these last few weeks since by now the show is so irrelevant that I'm interested in it because other people aren't. Anyway, I noticed that there wasn't a TMA (or I just couldn't find it), so I decided to write one. This was roughly the 6th time I've ever watched the show in the past 10 years so bear with me.

This week everybody was shaken up (not really) about whoever got kicked off last week. And tensions flared (not really) as we get to the final 9, which is the most important stage because there are only 3 more odd-numbered episodes left. This week's theme actually wasn't a theme at all. They got to sing any song they want as long as it was a "popular download on iTunes" (Yay synergy!). Next week's theme will be songs featured in Coca-Cola commercials. Predictably, most of the contestants picked incredibly boring songs because America loves boring songs.

The show started off with the Indian Dude singing some Usher song. He sucked. Moving on...

Next up was the blonde chick singing a great song: Bob Marley and Lauryn Hill's "Turn Your Lights Down Low". Which was really a shame because she butchered it in an incredibly awkward faux-British, retarded Lily Allen-esque singing voice. But hey, she looked kind of hot so she'll probably stay on for a few more weeks.

Then came Danny Gokey (more like Danny Dorkey! AMIRITE!?) singing Rascal Flatts' "What Hurts The Most" and believe me what hurt the most was listening to this four-eyed douche sing some crappy country song. Not really, it was decent.

Anyway then came the 16-year-old, pink-haired girl singing No Doubt's "Don't Speak" which was a great song choice for her since "she grew up a few miles away from where No Doubt formed" (LA? What are the odds!?) and she had "grown up listening to No Doubt", like, 3 years ago. She did a pretty good job and looked adorable doing it in her retarded outfit and hair.

It's actually more terrifying without the machete

Then the Blind Guy sang some Billy Joel song. His singing performance was only matched by his awkward creepiness onstage while being interviewed by Seacrest, especially when Paula mentioned that he was the one she was most proud of and assured everyone that it wasn't because of his "impairment" (sure, Paula). Everybody knows if you want to make it as a blind musician you have to be black, which for all he knows, he could be.

Lil Rounds, who already has won the award for name most fit for a rapper/stripper, sang Celene Dion's "I Surrender" wearing a dress that accentuated her not-so-lil rounds. She did a good job, but the judges ripped her for bad song choice, which apparently has been her problem the past few weeks or something. Female Judge Who's Not Paula suggested that she should've gone with a Mariah Carey song, or something else that showed off her vocal range and wasn't by a French-Canadian. Then to add injury to insult, Seacrest decided to traumatize Lil's adorable daughters by sticking a mic in the oldest one's face, trying to incite a fight between her and Randy Jackson (as if we don't have enough black on black crime in America). Then he picked up the little one and threw her at Randy.

Then some guy that looked vaguely like Justin Timberlake but uglier sang The Fray's "You Found Me" which isn't a horrible song when sung by The Fray. Unfortunately instead of actually trying to sing it his way, dude tryed to imitate The Fray if the lead singer had a rock lodged in his esophagus. The judges ripped him because he is more of an R&B/Pop singer and not a Rock/Pop singer. Pick a side, we're at war!

Then Adam Lambert, my favorite to win the whole thing, sang "Play That Funky Music" and actually did a great job, putting his own spin on the corny classic, while looking like a complete and utter douchenozzle. Then all the judges took turns fellating him while they set up the stage for the last performer.

The last guy, Kris I think, sang a beautiful version of "Ain't No Sunshine" with him at the keyboad and some chicks playing strings. He was the only contestant that actually perfected the combination of a good song and a good performance. It was all very touching.

And that was it for tonight (that was 9 right?). My prediction for tomorrow is the Indian Dude is going to get kicked off, not because he got the fewest votes, but just because he really really sucks. Seriously, I think the only reason he's on the show is because he couldn't cut it in Bollywood. Stay tuned for tomorrow's episode which I may or may not watch because the results shows are usually pretty boring.

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