The Morning After - American Idol - Final 9 Results Show

by Goroman on April 01, 2009

Let me start off by saying that I don't think I've ever watched an American Idol results show in its entirety, so this was a whole new experience for me. I thought it would be boring as hell, which it was. But it did contain some very very entertaining awkward moments that I found hilarious. I'll get into that later. But first I'll do a quick overview of the show:

The show started out with the Final 9 doing the most overplayed song in America which I didn't watch because I was making mashed potatoes, but from what it sounded like it may have been that commercial for FOX's "Glee" coming this Fall (or Spring, I can't remember)! Anyway there was that, then there was some music video thing or Ryan talked to the judges, I can't really remember (mashed potatoes take longer than I thought). Anyway that was boring. Moving on...

Ryan strategically divided the nine contestants into three groups, which coincidentally worked out to three groups of three punctuating each group with a commercial break. The must have planned it that way or something. Anyway the groups went like this:

Group 1
Guy who sang "Ain't No Sunshine", Hot Blonde, some dude nobody cares about

Group 2
Adam Lambert, Lil Rounds, and Pink-haired girl

Group 3
Indian Dude, Blind Dude, Guy with Glasses

Then he made them stand there in their meaningless groups through two commercial breaks and one performance by some guy that apparently won last year's. Then one person from every group was sent to the bottom three, which was obvious, but that didn't stop Seacrest from building the suspense with Lambert after he sent Pinky to the chair. Anyway, the bottom three were Hot Blonde, Pinky, and Indian Dude. Although not surprising, it did confirm my obvious hypothesis that the majority of AI voters are females or gay males by putting the two hottest girls and the ugliest guy in the bottom three.

Think of this, but less masculine and more wrapping paper

Then somebody named Lady Gaga sang some crappy song dressed in what looked like robotic wrapping paper while playing a piano filled with pink bubbles. Then a dancer removed the wrapping paper when she got up and left the piano because you're only allowed to wear something that ridiculous while playing a pink bubble piano.

Then Hot Blonde got kicked off. The judges refused to use the judges' save on her because she said she "didn't care" about what Simon said last night (Oh snap!). Although I would have liked to see them use it because then there would have been a chance that my prediction about the Indian Dude might have come true. Anyway she sung her last song which was an even worse version of "Turn Your Lights Down Low" and then there was a montage and everybody cried.

So now we're left with 8 finalists and it's pretty much a giant sausage party because the only two females are either underage or only slightly more attractive than Queen Latifah. I really picked a bad season to start watching this shit.

Anyway, this episode had three hilarious awkward moments that really stuck out to me and almost made it watchable. I will recount them from least hilarious to most hilarious:

Awkard moment 1: Seacrest telling that one dude to take a seat even though he was safe. It was really funny because the I think the crowd was cheering while he walked to the bottom three chairs which must have been awful for his self-esteem. Anyway somebody grabbed him and made some lame April Fool's excuse, but we all know Seacrest screwed the pooch on this one.

Awkward moment 2: Paula standing up and dancing during Blondie's swan song (which is a completely un-dancable song). The greatest part was when she got lost in the middle of the song, which basically has like two fucking lines. But it's still sad to see her go because she's hot, here's hoping she gets a record deal or at least a Playboy deal in the future

Awkward moment 3: Pretty much any moment with Blind Guy is a hilarious awkward moment, but seeing him reach his arm out for Indian Dude while he was being directed towards the couch was like watching a scene from Brokeback Mountain meets Slumdog Millionaire meets Scent of Woman. They may have been torn apart but their gay-blind-interracial love will live forever.
"I wish I knew how to quit you!"

Anyway these three moments were almost enough to make me keep watching this show another week, so stay tuned for next week, when there's one less contestant for me to forget.

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