A chubby, pimple-faced 14-year-old kid sits at his computer, lethargically moving the mouse and mashing keys. Suddenly, the room begins to rumble. Mint-condition Star Wars action figures fall from the shelves. A bright flash comes from the closet, then everything is calm again. A moment later, a portly 35-year-old man walks out of the closet.
Someday, I'll be a beautiful swan.
Oh. My. God.
Man: Hello Jason.
Kid: I always knew this day would come. You're a robot, aren't you? And you've come from the future to protect me? I'm the chosen one!
Man: Hahaha. No, no. Not quite. Although I am from the future. I'm you.
Kid: I have so many questions.
Man: Shoot.
Kid: Well, my mom always said that someday I'd blossom into a beautiful man. You're fatter than I am.
Man: Uhhh... Yes. Thanks for noticing that. Plenty of kids do lose weight after puberty. You'll continue to get bigger because you only drink soda and hate exercise.
Kid: Oh. But people don't care about that kind of stuff after high school, right? Won't I find a beautiful girl who loves me for who I am?
Man: I hope so, because I sure haven't found her yet. Most girls won't even talk to me, and the ones I meet online disappear after they find out I'm broke and still live with my Mom.
Kid: Why do you live with Mom? I thought nerds make a lot of money, like Bill Gates.
Man: That depends. Bill Gates was a nerd who liked to program computers. You're a nerd who likes to memorize episodes of Battlestar Galactica. It's not the same thing.
Kid: Don't I go to college?
Man: For a bit. They're going to release a great World of Warcraft expansion pack a month into your first semester. It's awesome, They increase the level cap to 90, and there is a dungeon that's totally underwater. Anyway, you're going to stop going to class after that and fail out.
Kid: So why did you come back here to see me?
Man: My teleporter broke and it wasn't under warranty. I tried to fix it myself and ended up in your closet.
Kid: You have a teleporter?
Man: My mom's teleporter.
Kid: Do I have anything to look forward to at all?
Man: Someday you'll see Leonard Nimoy in the mall.
Kid: It's all worth it.
Recording...
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