Fun out of the sun.
Having fans keeps you cool.
-Streeter Seidell
I can't stop checking my symptoms on WebMD. I really need to stop obsessing over whether or not I have OCD.
-Dan Ders
Signs technological acronyms have gone too far
JCVD HDDVD
-Ron DelGarno
Twitter from an uptight woman
In the women's studies section of the library. The first person to touch me gets a sexual harassment lawsuit.
-Nick Griffith
Snakes that eat other snakes look the same during digestion.
-Alex Turner
My dad used to always tell me, "When life gives you lemons, drink a Mike's Hard Lemonade." My dad was a gay alcoholic.
-Dylan Niles
Guy that doesn't understand puns
I'm on a seafood diet... when I see food, I eat it! But only if it's fish.
-Charles Enderle
Hamlet The Namedropper
"Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio."
-Shawn Pearlman
-"I wonder if Helen Keller ever heard anyone make fun of her"
-"Of course not, you idiot. She's dead."
-Arthur Uyesugi
If you ever get into it with a necrophillac bear, don't play dead.
-Andrew Taing
Life must suck for people legitimately trying to sell tickets to gun shows.
-Rene B
I watch porn on my iPod that way my dick looks as big as a pornstar's.
-Danny Kitson
Literal Shakespeare
All the world's a stage. Especially the stages.
-Amir Blumenfeld
I want a tattoo of a sandwich. But it's hard enough deciding what I want at a deli, let alone what kind I want for the rest of my life.
-Adam Newman
My grandparents were married for 68 years. When my grandmother passed away, my grandfather died the very next day. The doctor said he died of a broken heart. And sternum. When the truck hit him, his neck snapped backwards and it pretty much crushed his spine. His head was unrecognizably maimed. It was actually quite horrible.
-Dan Gurewitch
What's so "new" about Neo-Nazis? In my opinion their most defining qualities have stayed the same.
-Patrick Cassels
Recording...
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