2010 Summer Movie Preview

by Steve E. on June 10, 2009

College Musical: The End Of Innocence
Zac Efron forgoes college because why go to college anyway if you can make, like, sixteen an hour sealing decks? In the first week he suffers irreparable brain damage from poor worksite ventilation, culminating in the heartbreaking ballad, "I are glorhbvnjshh." Meanwhile, Vanessa Hudgens loses her scholarship when the dean finds naked photos of her on FoxNews.com. Then poverty happens.

The Resurrection of Ray
In a summer of sequels, Ray Charles returns to the big screen, admitting he never really died but instead got lost in the mall for five years. Tired of listening to "Goosebumps" on audio-book, Ray opts to undergo a procedure to install digital cornea implants so he can read them on his own. But when the surgeon turns out to be an Al Qaeda operative, Ray finds his only chance of survival is through his gift of song. Rated PG-13 for an extended musical montage of heroin use.

A Country For Old Men: Florida Secedes
As America becomes too loud what with the iCars and confounded HCTV transversion doocritters, the Federalists south of Kissimmee sell what's left in the cotton exchange and announce the formation of the Goodly Christian Nation Of Industrial Regression For The Having Of Restful Porches And Bountiful Taffy. Things go sour in the GCNOIRFTHORPABT when they find their senior discounts no longer work at Dennys when there aren't young people around.

Frost/Snowman
Fifty-five years after his network television debut, Frosty the Snowman returns in this intimate documentary, delivering a dire warning against global climate change. "Trapped greenhouse gas can take my coal eyes and button nose, but it'll never tame my spirit." Shot in a meat locker, the film features appearances by Al Gore, Santa Claus, and Gene Autry's suspended corpse animated by a puppeteer.

Titanic 2: The Human Skeleton As An Aquatic Habitat
Any dummy familiar with the hemolization of blood and the microbial lure of seeping abdominal gasses just knew that Jack was soon to be a Sunday buffet for calliphoridae, trogidae, and then sphaeroceridae. But what happens when the gradual depletion of flesh nutrients leaves Jack a vacant exoskeletal hovel? Move in day! Damon Wayans and Gilbert Gottfried have an osteoblast starring as two far-from-home anemones on a journey to find a commodious domicile for hermaphroditic reproduction!

Dreamworks Presents: A Crapload of Animals Voiced by Whoopi Goldberg
What do you get when you put a roller-skating giraffe, a ping pong playing octopus, and a cocker spaniel with a speech impediment in the same room? A par-tay! Whoopi Goldberg stars as seven different animals assuming the following archetypal roles: The Urban One, The Surprisingly Level-Headed Female, The Mysterious One With A Spanish Accent, The One Who Farts In Suspenseful Silences, The Villain Whose Temper/Greed Will Be His Downfall, The Villain's Brainless Henchman, and The Annoying One. Buy the lunchbox now before it goes on clearance at Target in the fall.