My Childhood Toys at War

by Brian Murphy on June 22, 2009

*Stretch Armstrong is being held captive in the lair of the evil Skeletor. His limbs are tied to toy cars.*

Skeletor: Tell me the location of the GI Joe secret headquarters!

Stretch Armstrong: *spits in Skeletor's face*

Skeletor: You want to make this difficult? Very well. Foot soldiers, warm up the Hot Wheels.

Stretch: Hah! You think you can stretch me to death? That's kind of my thing, man.

Skeletor: There are limits to your powers, Mr. Armstrong.

Foot Soldier: The cars are ready, sir!

Skeletor: Commence stretching.

Stretch: Hah! It's no use, Skeletor!

Skeletor: Further.

Stretch: *starting to strain* Agh...it won't work. It can't!

Skeletor: Further.

Stretch: ALRIGHT! Damn it, I'll talk. I'll talk!

Skeletor: *motions for cars to stop*

Stretch: It's...under the hood of the old Power Wheels.

Skeletor: See, Stretch? Things are so much easier when you cooperate.

Stretch: You son of a bitch...

Skeletor: Now finish the job, men. We're through with him.

Stretch: WHAT!?

Foot Soldier: But sir, he-

Skeletor: I SAID START THE DAMN HOT WHEELS!

*Foot Soldier reluctantly signals to continue pulling.*

Stretch: YARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

*Stretch is pulled to the breaking point. His limbs tear, leaking greenish goo onto the carpet.*

Skeletor: *excitedly* So THAT'S what was inside!

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