A Trip To Sam's Club (While High)

You just smoked a lot and now you've got the munchies.  Your roommate suggests Taco Bell, but you, having the taste for adventure, want to go to Sam's Club, because you've never been there.  You drive over, enter the doors, and stand in amazement.

You: "Dude, this place is like, huge, we'll never be able to look at everything.

That Chill Guy You Smoke With But Never Talk To Unless You're Getting Stoned: "We can do this man, let's just grab some carts and go for it!"

You: "Fuck the carts, we'll each need a giant dolly."

Your Roommate: "You're right, let's do this!"

TCGYSWBNTTUYGS: "Look at all this candy!  I could live forever off just one box of this stuff."

Your Roommate: "Dude, I need you to be serious right now... should I get the 4 pounds of Skittles, or the 4 pounds of Tropical Skittles."

You: "Both. You never know when you'll need both."

TCGYSWBNTTUYGS: "I think I'll just get the 5 pounds of 3 Musketeers bars... and M&M's... OH MY GOD!  850 gumballs!  I need that too!"

You: "I'm just going to get the 10 pounds of gummy bears from here, let's go to the next aisle."

Your Roommate: "This can't be right.  4 pounds of doritos for only 10 dollars?!?  I need that now."

You: "I'm getting 5 of those, I think I'll eat a pound of them now."

TCGYSWBNTTUYGS: "I think I'm in love with this aisle.  Doritos, Pringles, Funyuns, Cheeseballs... this is my dream, my dream I told you about.  I can't believe it's true."

Your Roommate: "Dude, all dreams come true."

TCGYSWBNTTUYGS: With a tear in his eye "I now know.. I now know."

You: "I figured it out."

Your Roommate: "What?"

You: "How to pay for college, look."

You point at an orange container, Dorito dust flickering off your finger.

You: "40 packages of ramen, for 4 dollars.  That's 10 cents a ramen!  For like, $200, I could eat like a king daily forever.  Fuck that garbage at the cafeteria, I'm going to live off this."

TCGYSWBNTTUYGS: "You're a genius.  I wish I could do the same but my dolly is nearly completely full of chips now."

You: "Grab another, we'll make like, a train of food out of our dollies."

Your Roommate: "I got a better idea then your ramen. Check it out, 50 pounds of rice for 20 dollars."

You: "But you have to get butter and soy sauce with that.  My ramen is already flavored deliciously like... chicken.  Why is chicken the only one they have?  That's like the worse ramen."

Your Roommate: "Dude, 2 quarts of soy is only 5 dollars, and I'm sure I can get a couple of pounds of butter for cheap.  I think 20 quarts of soy and 200 pounds of rice should be fine."

You: "You might be right, but I already put 20 boxes of ramen on my dolly, and I don't feel like taking them off.  I guess I'll just get 100 pounds of rice."

TCGYSWBNTTUYGS: "I found 6 pounds of nacho cheese sauce for 5 dollars, so I got 3 of those and 20 pounds of tortilla chips.  We should do a mexican theme party sometime."

Your Roommate: "Here's a 3 gallon tub of salsa, we could use that for the party too."

You: "Man we're only in the 3rd aisle and I've already had 2 pounds of Doritos.  I wonder if I should get some more for the rest of the journey..."


Four hours, 15 dollies, and 8 pounds of Doritos later...

Cashier: "You guys sure got a lot, that'll be $6582 and 29 cents."

You: "Hey man, can you pay for my stuff on your card? I only got $12 singles on me."

Your Roommate: "I'm broke dude, don't you remember?  I lost my job after I slept with my boss's daughter.  I was hoping you'd pay for this since you crawled in my bed naked last week while I was sleeping."

You: "Dude, I told you I was really drunk and thought I was at my girlfriend's place.  Can you get it then?"

TCGYSWBNTTUYGS: "Yeah, sure."

Cashier: "I'm sorry, but it's denying your card"

TCGYSWBNTTUYGS: "Oh yeah, they canceled it after I forgot to pay my bills last year."

Cashier: "If you guys can't pay for this, you're going to have to leave."

You: "This can't be happening.  All this food will go to waste if we don't get it!"

TCGYSWBNTTUYGS: "No. Why now?  Why us?  My dream!  My dream come back to me! Don't leave me! I won't be able to survive in this cruel world without you."