The Nightly News for Six-Year-Olds

Brian Williams: Good evening. I'm some guy who's not Spongebob Squarepants, and you're watching some network that isn't Nickelodeon. Our top story tonight, the brown man who made Grandpa say a bad word a couple weeks ago continues to talk a lot. For more on this story, we turn to some girl who isn't Hannah Montana. Not Hannah, have we made any progress on getting Mommy to tell us what the word Grandpa said means?

Ann Curry: Unfortunately we haven't, not Spongebob. Despite repeated attempts at finding out, Mommy continues to insist that she will tell us when we're older. Assertions that we are older now than when we asked a few minutes ago have failed to change her stance on the issue. However, based on her reaction when we said the word in front of Tommy's mom, we have determined that it is worse than what Daddy said when he stubbed his toe but not as bad as what he said when that guy on TV dropped a ball.

Brian Williams: Thanks for the update, not Hannah. In other news, people in a country that looks like the one from Aladdin are very angry about something, causing the Department of Television Security to raise the threat level to yellow. This means there is now an elevated risk that our Saturday morning cartoons could be interrupted by a lot of boring men in suits.  I'm now joined by someone who isn't Batman for further analysis.

Lester Holt: Thanks, not Spongebob. Now, the bad news is, until we can get Mommy or Daddy to tell us what it is that's made these people so mad, we're not going to be able to fully determine how big of a cartoon-interruption risk we're really looking at. The good news is, we're pretty sure that whatever they're angry about has nothing to do with Yu-Gi-Oh, so it can't be that important.

Brian Williams: Really! That is some surprising information, not Batman. Yu-Gi-Oh just seems to me like the only thing people could possibly get this upset about, especially when Tommy cheats and his mom lets him get away with it. Are you absolutely positive that Yu-Gi-Oh is not involved?

Lester Holt: I'm just as surprised as you are, not Spongebob, but yes, we are sure about this. Apparently the situation has something to do with voting, so we'll be sending in an undercover team soon to find out if this country's Kids' Choice Awards happen at a different time than ours do.

Brian Williams: Excellent work, not Batman, and we'll be sure to keep in touch with you for more updates on that. Up next, we'll reveal the terrifying but true evil secrets about why adults make you eat vegetables, take baths, brush your teeth and go to school. But, since your parents are making you go to bed now, you won't get to hear any of them.

Ann Curry: You know what's funny, not Spongebob, is you just gave away the terrifying secret about why adults make kids go to bed so early even though they aren't tired!

Brian Williams: Ha, well what do you know! I'd better make sure not to say anything else about adults' secret plans to make sure six-year-olds never have any fun! Now sleep tight kids, and remember to keep hiding lots of food under your bed like Tommy's older brother told you to. Otherwise that murderer we talked about last night who lives there might get hungry.