105%

Shamelessly Nostalgic "Best of Summer" Issue

by 105%-O-Matic July 23, 2009

Blowing through the jasmine in your mind.

Loser: "I'm into Nickelback."
Mega-loser: "I was into Nickelback before they were cool."

-Streeter Seidell

Worst/Best Newspaper Headline

Ex-con Pledges to Make Rape History

-Ben Hutchinson

"Haley, There's no easy way to tell you this. You were an accident."
"You told me I was adopted."
"It was a very big accident."

-Amir Blumenfeld

Times Not To Knock On Wood

"I hope the serial killer doesn't know I'm in the closet!"

-Sam Reich

A Viking Gets Soap In His Eye During His War Cry

Yyyeeaaaaaaaaiiiieeeerrrggghhhh!!!

-Dan Gurewitch

My Grandfather Writes the SATs

An American male and an old Asian woman start a trip from Houston to Dallas at the same time. Joe is doing a steady 5 miles above the speed limit, while Li-Xing or whatever is doing 1/3 of that. How much shorter will Joe's trip be, if Li-Xing makes it at all?

-Jeff Rubin

Daniel Pearl's Wife in 2000

Wife: I wish to be played by Angelina Jolie in a movie.
Evil genie: Your wish is my command! MUAHAHAA!
Wife: Awesome, my girlfriends are going to be so jealous.

-Brian Paulsen

If a girl makes you wear a condom, you probably didn't need it, and if she doesn't make you wear one you probably should have worn two. Life is full of irony. And sex disease.

-Tom Sunnergren