14 Open Statements To Anyone Between The Ages Of Old and Dead

by Steve Mank on July 31, 2009

1. Stop giving your coat, hat, and a nickel to the first person of color you see when you enter an establishment.

2. The war ended 40 years ago and you have a plastic hip. Stop shrieking and diving behind the couch every time I bring my half Asian girlfriend over.

3. Surrounding the happiest place on earth with your impending doom is not cool.

4. Just because 3pm in your world means it's supper time, doesn't mean the rest of us reasonable folk should have to stomach a full meal in a time-slot commonly reserved for Brunch's second cousin, Lupper.

5. You smell. I can understand the b.o. you are old and showers are hard. The smell of rotting flesh though? Are you aware the rest of us can smell you DYING. Please find a dignified place to do so, like a nursing home or... the forest.

6. No, I do not want the linty scotch mint, wrapped in a questionable tissue you magically pulled from your pocket/purse/glove-box.

7. Does the cost of birthday cards these days (3-5 dollars, the average cost of a boat in 1930) not hint to you that money is not worth what it used to be, and the five dollars you put in it won't buy me a bag of tube socks.

8. It's not fair that you selfish bastards insist on laying claim to every sport/leisure activity that can be played at any level of intoxication (I.e. golf, darts, shuffle board, and napping).

9. I was going to get you a TiVo for Christmas, but decided to cut out the middle man and just buy you the "World's Funniest Animals" DVD box set.

10. Those "god damn queers" you speak so fondly of, and those cruises you love taking so much, like flies to honey. There, I just ruined all your vacation plans between now and the grave.

11. Puns haven't been socially acceptable for 50 years.

12. If you wonder why we are all so disrespectful, finally, an honest answer: The day you retired you became nothing but a public obstacle and a "creepy hug" machine.

13. I don't care how "pinch-able" my cheeks may appear. I have no qualms about slapping Nana with a restraining order.

14. Finally, if you insist on ignoring all of these universal truths, would it kill you to share your meds with the rest of us? (Yes, we are aware it might.)

(Written with Brett & Trent Barwick)