The Morning After More To Love, Episode 1

Sometime in 2007, Fox executives were watching Kid Nation and one of them said, "Hmmm, what do people like making fun of more than children? I got it! FAT PEOPLE!" And because it took 2 years for them to fatten up their contestants, in 2009, More To Love was born. Of course this isn't the reason they say they started this show. One of the women in the intro says "It's time to show America that plus-sized women can do it too." By 'it', she obviously means 'be emotionally unstable, conniving bitches on national television.' And man oh man, are they successful. And hilarious.

The first episode starts off with a little montage talking about how fat people are beautiful too or some bullshit, you can fast forward through that. Eventually we meet Luke, occupation: fat guy. He actually doesn't look that fat, until they show him with his shirt off and it is revealed that he has more rolls than Ford's line of SUVs (get it?!). He reveals that he doesn't care what a woman looks like, it's more about "how they carry themselves and who they are as a person." I think he's going to be disappointed because I'm pretty sure fat girls can't carry themselves, or anything else that isn't a box of doughnuts.

Anyway, it's obvious by the time they introduce the host that Luke is in on the whole premise of the show, which is very uncharacteristic of Fox. It actually would have been so much more entertaining if they would have told him that they were going to be normal, hot, reality show contestants, and instead he gets these obese trolls. The look on his face would have been priceless. But they didn't, oh well, we can't change the past, let's look towards the more recent past now. Then they start introducing all the girls, they walk out of the limo (I'm pretty sure most of their budget went into reinforcing the limo's suspension), go meet Luke, where he somehow manages to refrain from vomiting and tell them how beauAHHAHAHAHA, I'm sorry, beautiful they are. So here's the breakdown of the 20 contestants:

Malissa: Actually has a somewhat skinny face, and has giant boobs, unfortunately everything else is giant too. She never thought of herself as being "fat" but rather "big-boned" and "curvier women are attractive, who wants to look at a stick?" As you can see, Malissa is the most original fat girl on the face of the Earth.

Christina: Typical DUFF.

Heather: She is the first of the fatties to start crying in her little introduction interview (SPOILER ALERT: get used to it), and "has never been in love." This must be because she's fat and not because she's emotionally unstable and clingy.

Bonnie: Looks like the typical Goth fat chick, but apparently is the "chubby fashionless girl who bakes cookies with her mom." Much... better? She also talks about wanting to stay in the kitchen all the time. While it's good that she knows her place, I have my doubts about her motives.

Amanda: Fat, boring and awkward. She's the triple threat!

Michelle: First of all, I'm pretty sure this is a fat man who got a sex change and didn't even bother to get implants. Second, her interview consists of her crying and talking about how much she loves the way she is. Because we all know the #1 sign of great self-esteem, is crying whenever you talk about yourself.

Anna: Plus-sized model. Not actually that fat. She won't last long on this show.

Natasha: She is a rocket scientist (although she's definitely no brain surgeon). She feels it necessary to lead with this fact because it is the ONLY INTERESTING FACT ABOUT HER.

Lauren: Another DUFF.

Vanessa: "I stand out because I'm confident, I'm big, I'm tall, and I'm all real." Nobody likes a confident fatty, Vanessa. Start crying like the rest of them, you fat whore!

Mellisa (with an E): She cries in her interview because she's "awesome." Uh huh.

Danielle: Has only been on 3 dates in her entire life, which beats most of these girls by roughly 3 dates. She also comes up with perhaps the most original rationalization for being fat I've ever heard: "I feel like if I keep weight on, somebody's gonna love me for me, instead of how I look." Nice, Danielle, that's really thinking with your gut!

Mandy: Fitness Instructer. BWAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHHA!

Tali: "I've never been in a position where I've judged a person just by the way they look." I can name a lot more positions you've probably never been in, Tali.

Kristian: "Guys are afraid to date a bigger girl..." no they're just afraid to date you. Mainly because you're fat, but also because you're nuts.

Arianne: Not actually that fat. 37 year-old stripper. She must go.

Sandy: From Iowa, she wants to show Luke "how to milk a cow sometime." Now excuse me while I go vomit from laughter.

Shari: BORING.

Magali: BORING.

Natalia: Another cryer, but she doesn't pretend to love herself, she just doesn't "want to be alone for the rest of her life. It's scary."

Then they all get together for a while to talk about being fat and eating ice cream. Then Luke comes in and tells them that they're all "gorgeous on the outside." I'm pretty sure you got that backwards, buddy, or actually just completely wrong. It's clear that none of these girls are gorgeous on any sides. Then he gives them all diamond rings to promise that they'll always be fat or something. Finally some goals they can achieve.

Danielle then talks about how she wants Luke to "get to know her from the inside" and "look inside her." Easy there, Tiger, this is still the first episode. Another girl says "I do" when Luke puts the ring on her. That doesn't look desperate at all.

Then Mellisa cries some more (get used to it) and one girl asks another "If you make it to the end of this and he proposes, will you say yes" "OF COURSE!" At least we know these fat girls aren't afraid of commitment.

Then Kristian talks to Luke about her ex and how he was embarrassed by her weight (definitely good first date conversation there, Kristian). Luke tells her "Well then he really didn't deserve you then." No he didn't Luke, no he didn't.

Then he talks to the women about food for a while, I can tell this will be a popular topic of conversation. Then Anna kisses him on the lips and it's revealed that Lauren is a jealous bitch who is going to play a large role in this reality show whether Luke likes it or not. Then Bonnie says something about food, because the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, unfortunately with this man, it's a very long way. Then somebody else says something about food.

Mellisa reveals to Luke that she's never been on a date because she's always afraid it's gonna be a joke. Oh shit, she's onto us!

Then Danielle jumps into the pool because if it's one thing guys love, it's a fat attention whore. She tells Luke to jump in because the water is lukewarm (GET IT?!). Then Bonnie quips "you know what I bet you wish you had in there? A SWIMSUIT" OHHH SNAP. But it doesn't end there, she later tells one of the other girls that "She looked like an otter"... wait, what? Otters are cute. Then Danielle, realizing her ploy for Luke's attention didn't work, tells some other girls that she "must look like a beached whale." No you don't! That doesn't look like a beach at all!

Anyway the girls all end up getting drunk and being fat and boring. Then they have the elimination ceremony and 5 of them get sent home. This must be a huge self-esteem blow to them. Getting sent home from this show is like getting kicked out of Special Olympics for being too retarded. Anyway these 5 poor souls are Natalia, Shari, Sandy, Natasha and Michelle.

Coming soon: Episode 2: The one where they eat a bunch of food and cry some more!