Abraham Lincoln: ...And by virtue of the power, and for the purpose aforesaid, I do order and declare that all persons held as slaves within said designated States, and parts of States, are, and henceforward shall be free; and that the Executive government of the United States, including the military and naval authorities thereof, will recognize and maintain the freedom of said persons. And I hereby enjoin--
Bill Clinton: Hey, Abe
Abraham Lincoln: Oh hi, Bill.
Bill Clinton: What are you doing?
Abraham Lincoln: I'm just proclaiming emancipation, but nobody's actually freeing their slaves.
Bill Clinton: Oh, don't worry. I got this.
Abraham Lincoln: But--
Bill Clinton: All y'all southern slave owners! You're gonna free your slaves. Now.
Southern Slave Owner: Oh yeah? What's in it for me?
Bill Clinton: I'll keep fighting to make sure this southern accent sounds sexy instead of just stupid.
Southern Slave Owner: It's a deal!
Abraham Lincoln: Thanks, Bill! You just saved us from years of war and devastation!
Bill Clinton: All in a day's work, gen'lemen.
Southern Slave Owner: He does make that accent sound sexy.
-----------
Winston Churchill: Mr. Hitler, you mu--
Bill Clinton: Wait, wait, wait. I got this.
Winston Churchill: But--
Bill Clinton: Cool it, Winnie Cooper.
Winston Churchill: Who's--
Bill Clinton: Nevermind. Hitler, free the Jews.
Adolf Hitler: But--
Bill Clinton: Just free them, ok? There's no point trying to argue with me. I'm just too damn charming.
Adolf Hitler: You're right. The Jews are free.
Bill Clinton: Jesus, these Jews get imprisoned a lot.
Adolf Hitler: That's because--
Bill Clinton: No, shut up.
Adolf Hitler: Fine.
Bill Clinton: And shave that moustache.
------------
Claire Danes: *Weeps profusely.*
Bill Clinton: Don't worry, little lady. I'll handle this.
Jonathan Kaplan: Cut! Bill, what are you doing?
Bill Clinton: I'm freein' Claire Danes and Kate Beckinsale.
Jonathan Kaplan: They're not real prisoners. This is a movie called Brokedown Palace.
Bill Clinton: Oh, my mistake. Carry on.
Jonathan Kaplan: Ok, acti--
Bill Clinton: Hey, Kate. Kate! You're my favorite.
Claire Danes: *Weeps profusely.*
Kate Beckinsale: Thanks, Bill.
Bill Clinton: Any time. Now, who can point me in the direction of Amanda Knox?
by Jesse E at Rutgers
by Susanna Wolff at Columbia
by 105%-O-Matic at Bucks County Community College
the iPad is so stupid that the number of comedy possibilities is just... astounding.
Gmail, Firefox, YouPorn and more speak up to keep you from doing your work.
The Black Ranger is black... the Yellow Ranger is Asian... uh oh.
Look out for d-bags and children on leashes.
Why stop yourself from having sex with your mom, when you can make it a threesome?
It s the Tuesday before Valentine s Day, which means you only have six days to convince your girlfriend that you�ve been thinking about this occasion since the day you met. Luckily, I m here with a day-by-day breakdown of what you should be doing.
Wow, just, wow.
Hook ups can range from something to do on a Saturday night to life altering greatness. Here is the hook up hierarchy, Level 1 being the highest.
Recording...
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