Bill Clinton to the Rescue

by Susanna Wolff on August 05, 2009

Moses: Let my people go.
Pharaoh: No.
Moses: If you don't, you will have to face the wrath of G--
Bill Clinton: Hey, hey! Moses, Pharaoh, listen; I think we can work this out.
Moses: We can?
Pharaoh: You're right! Bill, you're so right. I'll let the Isrealites go.
Moses: That's great! I mean, I had this whole thing about turning a stick into a snake and some plagues, but I guess I don't need that. Thanks, Bill!
Bill Clinton: Anytime, guys.

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Abraham Lincoln: ...And by virtue of the power, and for the purpose aforesaid, I do order and declare that all persons held as slaves within said designated States, and parts of States, are, and henceforward shall be free; and that the Executive government of the United States, including the military and naval authorities thereof, will recognize and maintain the freedom of said persons. And I hereby enjoin--
Bill Clinton: Hey, Abe
Abraham Lincoln: Oh hi, Bill.
Bill Clinton: What are you doing?
Abraham Lincoln: I'm just proclaiming emancipation, but nobody's actually freeing their slaves.
Bill Clinton: Oh, don't worry. I got this.
Abraham Lincoln: But--
Bill Clinton: All y'all southern slave owners! You're gonna free your slaves. Now.
Southern Slave Owner: Oh yeah? What's in it for me?
Bill Clinton: I'll keep fighting to make sure this southern accent sounds sexy instead of just stupid.
Southern Slave Owner: It's a deal!
Abraham Lincoln: Thanks, Bill! You just saved us from years of war and devastation!
Bill Clinton: All in a day's work, gen'lemen.
Southern Slave Owner: He does make that accent sound sexy.

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Winston Churchill: Mr. Hitler, you mu--
Bill Clinton: Wait, wait, wait. I got this.
Winston Churchill: But--
Bill Clinton: Cool it, Winnie Cooper.
Winston Churchill: Who's--
Bill Clinton: Nevermind. Hitler, free the Jews.
Adolf Hitler: But--
Bill Clinton: Just free them, ok? There's no point trying to argue with me. I'm just too damn charming.
Adolf Hitler: You're right. The Jews are free.
Bill Clinton: Jesus, these Jews get imprisoned a lot.
Adolf Hitler: That's because--
Bill Clinton: No, shut up.
Adolf Hitler: Fine.
Bill Clinton: And shave that moustache.

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Claire Danes: *Weeps profusely.*
Bill Clinton: Don't worry, little lady. I'll handle this.
Jonathan Kaplan: Cut! Bill, what are you doing?
Bill Clinton: I'm freein' Claire Danes and Kate Beckinsale.
Jonathan Kaplan: They're not real prisoners. This is a movie called Brokedown Palace.
Bill Clinton: Oh, my mistake. Carry on.
Jonathan Kaplan: Ok, acti--
Bill Clinton: Hey, Kate. Kate! You're my favorite.
Claire Danes: *Weeps profusely.*
Kate Beckinsale: Thanks, Bill.
Bill Clinton: Any time. Now, who can point me in the direction of Amanda Knox?